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Alien warming

india Updated: Jan 23, 2010 23:00 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times
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At a secret conclave held in Stockholm recently, a decision has been taken to award this year’s Nobel Peace Prize to those who have been doing the most to alert us to the dangers of alien invasions, unreliable sources say. The committee has reportedly decided to award the prize to the Intergovernmental Panel on Alien Invasions (IPAI), represented by its chairman Gajendra Kachauri and to Val Bore, the maker of the scary documentary, An Extra-Terrestrial Truth. “The decision is in keeping with the high standards we have set recently by giving the Nobel Peace Prize to Barack Obama and to the global warming experts,” said a person who claimed to be Alfred Nobel’s great-great grandson-in-law, but who looked suspiciously like ET.

The IPAI report quotes extensively from H.G. Wells’ scientific tract on The War of the Worlds, while Val Bore’s scary movie includes stunning visuals from Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind and clips from other technical works such as Mars Attacks, Independence Day, My Stepmother Is An Alien and Superman II, the last named being cited as evidence that the attack is likely to be led by General Zod.

Interestingly, the IPAI claims that the scientific data on the alien invasion ties in neatly with global warming, because the aliens are heating the top of the earth by focusing the sun’s rays through a largish magnifying glass, while the bottom of the earth is being heated by a spirit lamp. The net result, as both Bore and Gore confirm, is the melting of the Arctic ice cap and the Antarctic ice-shelf.

The Nobel committee’s choice, however, has come under fire from alien-deniers. For a while there was much excitement as video shots of a weird-looking creature were circulated as positive proof that the aliens have landed, but those were found to be pictures of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. The matter has been complicated by a group of hackers hacking into the IPAI e-mails and finding a concerted attempt to suppress evidence that aliens don’t exist. The researchers have successfully stalled the release of movies like Monsters versus non-Aliens, Superman Doesn’t Return and The Day the Earth Did Not Stand Still.

The IPAI claims, however, that the hackers were aliens and points to Marvin the Martian and his sidekick K-9, from the scientific journal Looney Tunes, as positive proof of the bloodthirsty nature of aliens and their dogs. But some nay-sayers even say the whole warming scare started after Paris Hilton remarked, “That’s hot” for the umpteenth time. There was also a mix-up on whether 2035 or 2350 was the date of the alien invasion, but that was resolved by the IPAI arguing that 2350 was the date according to the alien calendar.

Meanwhile Maharashtra Chief Minister Ashok Chavan said that no alien will be allowed to drive taxis in Mumbai, but clarified later that they could do so if they spoke Marathi, Gujarati or Hindi. Several cabbies sighed with relief on hearing the clarification.

A small group of scientists, however, say the real danger lies, not in an alien invasion but from the sky falling on our heads. As proof, they cite Chief Vitalstatistix’s and Chicken Little’s pronouncements on the subject.

So if you’re still not convinced that aliens are going to invade us soon, you could opt to be terrified instead by the sky falling on our heads, by global warming, swine flu or by a giant vampire squid crushing humanity. Take your pick.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint

The views expressed by the author are personal