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Ask the Expert: Marriage on rocks

I have an extra marital affair. Being my lover four years younger to me is causing a feeling of guilt. Please help. Submit your query

india Updated: Jun 30, 2006 13:10 IST

Our expert, clinical psychologist Seema Sharma, answers your queries - from relationship problems to pressures in school and colleges, complexes that you might develop or battling peer pressure and the intense competition - reach out to our expert.

I am in a dilemma. I have been married for seven years now I am thirty. My husband and I have never been happy in our married life. We were completely two different personalities who simply get along. I did not inform my parents or any body as I don't want to hurt them and I have a younger sister who has to be married off.

I was pregnant after one year of marriage, but it had to be terminated after seven months due to some abnormalities. And after that we are staying together but like strangers.

We are residing in Dubai recently; I met a guy in my work place that is four years younger to me. Slowly the friendship turned into love now we feel we can't live without each other I feel like I have found my soul mate. He wants to marry me after I get a divorce from my husband.

I know its not easy there are a lot of hurdles to be crossed before we can really be together like his parents consent  (he is very close to his mom) that scares me. My husband came to know about my affair and he is ready for the divorce. I don't know how I will break this news to my parents at the same time I have developed guilt.

Me being older than my lover, being married etc and I am tormented that what I am doing is immoral. I can't get myself to talk about it to any of my friends or people close to me.

Please advice am I doing the right thing. Please help me out I desperately need an opinion.

Sex: Female
Age:  31

There are many layers to your problem. I wish you had asked for a suggestion / advice earlier. It is never too late to start anyway. Now that things have taken a decisive turn it is your fear and apprehension which is not permitting you to rejoice what you had wanted all along.

The experience of not being able to have a good marriage will haunt you for some time and may interfere with the new alliance. Be sensitive and alert about it. Doubts as a matter of rule if not handled with reason and positivity tend to create hurdles in cementing a relationship.

First marriage is almost over and you are yet to start the second. It is a time of emotional transition and all transitions are somewhat painful and insecure phases of our lives. The man you are going to marry has other strong bonds of affection as well (his mother for instance). He seems to have a clear idea as to what he is doing and you need to clear your clouds of confusion.

Remember it will be your contribution to the efforts which will be significant. Just a little bit of sensibility and lots of non-possessive love should be your answer to any obstacle. All the very best wishes to you!

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