Reports that a Beijing strategist has advocated that China should help divide India have set defence dovecotes aflutter in India. But the more phlegmatic among us are puzzled at all this kerfuffle over this foolish Chinese plan. The fact that the dragon is putting time and money into this endeavour has us in paroxysms of laughter. Can these inscrutable nutters not see that they don’t have to extend themselves? We are doing a good job of it ourselves.
The Chinese dream that India will become a conglomeration of independent, warring states is unambitious to say the least. We have many more warring factions on every issue under the sun. The Bengali will kill if anyone suggests that any fish preparation could be superior to his hilsa in mustard. The Malayalee will slit your throat if you demonstrate that your knowledge of Pablo Neruda may be superior. The Biharis, poor sods, don’t have much to be one up on anyone but if you say that, they’ll likely murder you with a lethal dose of sattu. And if you are in Delhi and have a different opinion on anything, rely on us to run you over or, if possible, shoot you dead.
The dear old Chinese don’t know what they will unleash if they let our baser parochial instincts run free. Before you can say Confucius, we’ll be in Shanghai with a few surprises up our sleeve. Let’s see how they like sambhar-flavoured hakka noodles down there. Once we wash up on their shores, we’d like to see how long all that Han homogeneity will hold. So we’d advise the Chinese to leave us well alone. For instead of realising their hegemonic ambitions, the politburo and the Red Army might well find themselves singing ‘Jai Ho’ down the Yangtze.