You know what, I’ve realised one thing. I may someday end up writing Pulitzer worthy stuff (ha!) but all that you guys would ever want from me is mindless rants like this one. Isn’t it? I’ve tried taking up seriously meaningful topics in this column, and yes, a lot of you do write back. But on occasions when I simply vent out against the walking pests around us, a floodgate of feedback opens. So, in the interest of the print equivalent of the TRPs, i.e very much on popular demand and not to ever concede that I may have run out of topics, here’s yet another list of people who bug the life out of me. For once, I’ve done serious research on the Internet to come up with these, so please don’t take it lightly. I also intend to add to this list every other week, and you are most welcome to add your pet peeves. Together we’ll make the happy whiners club. Here you go.
I can NOT stand….
1. People who, after waiting in the long queue at the checkout counter in a store, put their hands in their pockets to dig out the wallet only when their turn comes, AND who then proceed to make the life altering decision of whether to pay cash or credit. You want to know worse? Some of them, even at that point, turn around to their Pappus and say, "Mummy se poochho kuchh aur toh nahi lena?" If I’m the one waiting in agony after them in the queue, I’m sorely tempted to tell the child to consider me ‘mummy’ for this purpose but desist only to avoid catastrophic repercussions.
2. People who decide to come and sit next to you in a public transport even when there are other seats available. It’s like saying, ‘hi, I’m doing my Phd in stalking and creeping others out. Would you help me in my thesis?’ Like hell I will.
3. Couples who sit on the same side of the table even when there is no one on the other side. Awww, that is so sweet, no? Hand in hand, neck cricked at an angle that will hurt for the rest of the week. I salute your dedication towards love. Now, get a room, will you?
4. People who prolong an extraordinarily boring lecture by posing the most inane questions to the speaker. Sometimes, I feel such people are out to take revenge on humankind a la ‘Let’s torture people by showing off my intelligence.’ But hey, wasn’t the lecture torture enough?
5. People who pick up 20 paper napkins when they need just one, and then throw them all away. They either have an exaggerated idea of how un-clean their hands or mouth are, or simply do not care for the wastage just because they’re free. Sucks, either way.
6. People who are mean to animals. This may be a personal thing but I abhor people who ill-treat animals . If you want to act like a kid teasing a helpless animal through the fence, I would like to see you behind that fence. Game?
7. People who drive up the wrong side and worsen a traffic jam. Tell me, what percentage of brain is required to know that you can’t be blocking the path of the vehicles coming from the opposite side? 1.2%?
Nah, that’s too much to have. By the way, these are the same people who are stuck at the mental age of 12 and who zig zag in and out of lanes on the expressway, much like in a video game. Can the authorities please have a maturity test along with the usual one to see if they can handle brake and clutch while granting driving license?
8. People who toss trash towards the garbage bins, much like basketball stars. And leave it on the ground when they miss. Honorary morons.
9. People, as in scientists, who may have invented 10 different ways to land up on the moon but can’t give us a single remote for our television viewing. While we juggle between the ones for the TV, the DVD player and the set-top-box, the important news is over. Khair, humein vaise kaunsa samajh aani thi.
10. People who, in a crowded restaurant, bring their 27-member family to stand on the head of the hapless diner who is enjoying the last bits of his meal, and say, "aa jao, aa jao…yeh waali table khaali hone waali hai." Tip: Order a coffee if someone does that to you. And take your time to remember each of your growing up years, after every sip. Five years onwards.
11. People who are compulsive ‘high-fivers’ and torture their friends by raising their hand to high five even if their joke would have won the Nobel for being the lamest. Sometimes you have to keep your coffee mug away, move your lazy frame several feet forward and bend at most awkward angles to high-five them. You might as well high-five with their cheek.
12. People who use the phrase ‘I’m 110% sure’. Of course you are. Because failing in mathematics is no guarantee for not being sure in life. I’m also 139% sure of the dead brain cells you continue to nurture. Let’s find a 100% cure for them… for you.
I could go on and on. Such lists are endless, but will only go on to reaffirm that I have nothing better to do. And that’s not true. I am, in fact, working on a super important research project to find out why some people occupy the arm-rests on both sides of their seat in a cinema hall. I shall not rest till I find out what percentage of that territory actually belongs to them. Pray for me.
Sonal Kalra is 110% sure this is one of the most nonsense articles she ever wrote. But, it still made you smile, right? C’mon, give a high-five. Add your points to the list by mailing at firstname.lastname@example.org or facebook.com/sonalkalra13. Follow on Twitter@sonalkalra.