Ladies and gentlemen and Mr Barack Obama,That’s not to say Obama is not a gentleman, but I mention him separately because he’s the President-elect and a president is….uh….separate. On behalf of the American people I welcome the election of Mr Obama, by the American people. This election has shown that the people of this nation do not care about colour or creed, which I call the two deadly Ks. I believe all that is necessary for a man to succeed is to have the 3 K’s — colour, creed and courage, or rather he shouldn’t bother about the first two k’s and have the third one.
These are tough times and we have big problems in the economy. It calls for a big man to make these problems small. But Mr Obama has proved that he can be tough — he has snatched victory out of the jaws of Mr McCain — and I’m sure he will succeed. As they used to say of William Shakespeare, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way”, so I say of Obama, “When you’re with Obama, it’s like being with your mamma”, which means I’m leaving you in safe and capable hands.
Of course this is not the best of times and we have problems with credit and debit and with banks and other things like derivations. They say the economy is in trouble, but last time I checked Halliburton was doing fine. The good news is we already have the plans to repair the damage and all the new President must do is to execute them. That’s why I say the President is like the CEO of a nation, the Chief Executing Officer. I had to do a lot of executing myself, but the job I enjoyed the most was executing Saddam.
That reminds me, one of the great things about the job is having a lot of relationships with other countries. I’ve made plenty of foreign friends here in the White House.
The best way to find out whether you can have a relationship with a country is look their president in the eye. I can tell you I took one good look at Putin, the Russian president — he was demoted later — and I knew we had a common interest in oil. Or take Blair, they called him a poodle but I always found him to be a completely fabulous animal.
You also learn a lot from inter-actioning with people from distant lands. I always thought that Indians were the guys who ran around with tomahawks and scalped people but my good friend Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of Indonesia, says he’s never scalped anyone in his life. I still find him an amazing guy, although I’ve never really understood a word he said. But he’s our man and his country, Indonesia, is a great democracy in Africa, full of call centres and malaria, so I swung a big nuclear deal for him.
The people to watch out for are the evil men. Evil is bad. I’ll be giving the new President my foreign policy document, which is a diary containing a list of world leaders against whom I’ve marked E or non-E to show whether they are Evil or non-Evil. There are plenty of evil men in places like Iran and Iraq and Paris and Havana and Hollywood and my one regret is not being able to flush their ringleader out of his hole in Afghanistan. But I’m sure President Osama will bring Obama bin Laden to justice.
I must thank all my advisors and friends who helped me, particularly Dick Cheney and Colin Powell who helped me tell folks about those weapons of mass distraction and get even with Saddam.
I guess it’s time to finally say ‘Mission Accomplished’. I’m going to saddle up and ride out West to my ranch in Texas in my airplane. All you guys who have had such a marvellous time all these years cracking jokes at my expense are welcome to join me there.