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Getting a break from 'breaking news'

india Updated: Oct 08, 2006 11:14 IST
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With so many news channels mushrooming like bunkers in a war zone, our living rooms have become brawl centre for TV networks for "Breaking News" day and night.

Consider this:

* Channel 365x24/ 60x60 comes screaming with "Just before entering Rajghat, President Bush found sniffer dog John Doe was getting ready to "do" urgent business! He signalled secret service Smith who dived like a Redskins football quarterback and took the dog away before a diplomatic catastrophe could strike at the nuclear roots of largest and most powerful democracy!"

* Channel ITEMSxTHEN has an air raid signal with "Our latest survey shows an Indian sneezes every 9 1/2 seconds somewhere or other in India. If you think that this shows every Indian as some kind of a weirdo, please SMS by typing 8888 and say "we do". If you don't agree, type 8888 and say, " I don't" so that the whole world could finally get to know the idiot hiding under the skin all life!

* The NCCxBIN breaks their 7:30 pm "cricket ka kofta" with "Was Freddie Flintoff tumtum fed with Venky's chicken suffering from gastro-enteritis during Nagpur Test?" Poor Srikkanth - Cheeka - who's a genuine "chicken" as far as chicken or egg all his life, has to publicly dissect the story of chicken' legs!

Some channels take their own "breaking stories" rather personally, and it sounds hilarious.

Sample this:

"Dropping Sourav Ganguly from Indian XI has upset all of us including a rickshaw puller at 24 Paraganas and a porter at Malda. Our correspondents are standing by at Hoogly and Behala where we hope to capture the effigy-burning of Chappell, More and Dravid planned later in the day! We will bring you "Live" as and when it happens. Here's some soulful Rabindra Sangeet as you watch Sourav cream Assam attack at Digboi."

And again this:

"As Iran violates US call to stop enriching uranium for production of nuclear war heads, America which has 20,000 ICBMs, 50,0000 ABMs, is naturally worried about its own security. In a decisive move, which it hopes will stop Iran from making its first nuclear weapon, President Bush is studying an aerial map of Iran along with F-16 pilots. Vice President Cheney, who is good at Quail shooting, is marking targets with a red pencil."

This was from mother of all channels from Texas - SEE NN!

Amidst all this hungama, is our own Door-to-Door Darshan (DDD), which will not break any news frothing in the mouth. It will take its time, make sure sentiments of all the regions, religions, languages are studied by its "In-house experts" and after another round of discussion by external experts, will release a carefully worded draft at 11.00 pm by a sleepy news reader:

"After giving considerable thought over the matter and after discussions with intra-party officials and inner courtiers, the chairperson of UPMA has arrived at the considered view that there is no tangible evidence to suggest that Mr Quatrocci was involved in any capacity in the so-called scam as allegedly indicated in print and electronic media. If, after further investigation, any more report is filed by our correspondent, who is presently on maternity leave, we will bring the same to you without any further delay!"

ER Ramachandran is our regular surfer and can be reached at erram @rediffmail.com.

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