We in India passionately love three things — Bollywood, cricket and fighting. And if by some stroke of luck, all three combine, just like what happened this week with actor Shah Rukh Khan getting into a brawl at Mumbai's cricket stadium, the whole nation gets a reason to go into a collective orgasmic state.
I was mulling over that episode… and the countless other instances of road rage fights or other brawls that we keep reading about, and thought how someday soon, when our kids will be asked what their favourite hobby is, they might answer drawing, dancing and yelling.
I actually love yelling... it fills you up with energy, and adds oodles to the self worth. And of course, what fun is yelling without a dash of abuses. After all, in this self-centred day and age, abuses give us a rare chance to fondly remember not just our own mother and sisters, but even those of our opponent.
Nope, I see nothing wrong with fighting. The louder the better.
Just the other day, a neighbour of mine who falls in love with the tyres of all cars that are parked around his palace (not a typo!) so much that he insists on hugging them till they deflate, punctured all four of mine. I was ecstatic at having finally got a chance to go out and try my yelling skills but sadly the peace-loving family and neighbours stopped me.
Ab batao...aisa mauka milta kya? Vaise toh everyone is so busy with their damned lives. It’s fights over parking, accidents, kids, garbage etc that give people a chance to get together as a community, as a nation. In fact, in the interest of brotherhood, the government should make it compulsory for everyone to stop whatever they are doing the moment two people get into a brawl and gather around them.
What? They already do so where you live? Lucky, yaar. Anyway... let me not digress into explaining the well established benefits of fighting and getting into brawls. The intention today is to tell you some clever tips which will ensure that whenever you indulge into them, you emerge victorious. Satyamev Jayate. Whatever.
1. The ‘ascending volume’ mode:
Nahi samajh aaya? Science tells us that those who start the argument itself by yelling, go short of breath in around 3 minutes 37 seconds. Don’t make that mistake. Have you seen the ‘ascending volume’ mode of ringtones in mobile phones? Where the first ring is soft and then the volume grows louder with each ring.
Do that. A person who’s already yelling at the top of his voice when a fight begins is considered ‘hyper’ by the crowd. The one who is speaking softly and suddenly raises the volume somehow seems justified in doing so. It’s like people think — bechaare ko majboor kar diya awaaz uthaane ke liye. Gain public sympathy. It’s a trump card.
2. Win over the accomplice of your opponent: In any brawl, the friends of the two warring factions gather around them. Suddenly in the middle of a loud argument, turn to the person who is ferociously supporting your opponent and say... ‘bhai sahib, you look the most sensible of all, why don’t you tell your friend to behave?’
Take the dushman by surprise. Suddenly that friend will see this as his/her duty towards sensible human behaviour to try and intermediate in a civil way. Got it? See, interfering into other peoples’ arguments is our birth right and people would do that. So, don’t tell them things like... tum beech mein mat bolo, or mind your own business. In fact say... please intervene... only you can put some sense into your friend’s head. And, then see what happens. Divide and rule hai bhaiya… hamesha kaam aata hai.
3. Don’t get personal: I somehow feel you risk losing all sympathy from the onlookers if you pass a personal comment about your opponent, even though you may be absolutely right. Personal insults about a person’s character, appearance etc may not be relevant to the issue at hand and may make you seem like a mean person.
Rather, provoke the opponent to pass a personal comment on you if your own argument starts to go weak. The moment he/she falls for it, make that your main grudge and launch into an attack. Something like ‘Aur sab chhodo mujhe paagal kaise bola? Kaise, kaise?’ If however you are fighting for the right cause, don’t digress from the issue. Stay focussed. Oh no, I’ve changed my mind.
4. Don’t stay focussed: If you see an endless argument going nowhere, enjoy the fight by going off on a tangent and totally confusing everyone. Say something totally meaningless. I once saw a gentleman who, in a loud argument with a colleague, kept saying, ‘Oh tu jaanta nahi hai’. After around 20 times, I asked him ‘kya nahi jaanta?’ He didn’t have an answer.
Utterly irrelevant, clichéd and exaggerated punch lines are such a blessing I tell you. Like say, “If you’ll keep deflating tyres, socho what will happen to our nation one day.” Let your opponent be baffled about what’s the connection. Confuse kar kar ke maaro.
Finally, something on a serious note.
Arguments help no one except the public that gets entertainment without a ticket. Silence or violence, you have to decide. I choose the former. It makes me feel stronger.
Sonal Kalra forbids everyone from informing her neighbours about this column, till she thinks of tips to counter these tricks.
Mail firstname.lastname@example.org or at facebook.com/sonalkalra13. Follow on Twitter @sonalkalra.