I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again and no doubt I shall say it every day of my life. Life sucks. No. More than that. Life is actively out to get me.
Just when I read the book that gave me all the answers to life’s problems so that I was finally in a position to write my resignation letter, fling it in Ye Ed’s face and scoot off to the Himalayas to open my ashram and earn vast amounts of currencies from wealthy, spiritually-inclined firangs, wham! I got hit by a new problem.
This is a big problem. So big that, as you can see, I’m still here, still earning in a minor currency, with no hope of making it to the mountains ever.
The problem is this: atmospheric Brown Clouds (ABC). A 3-km layer of soot and other manmade particles that, according to the UN Environment Programme, is hovering above Asia, making our cities darker, giving us weaker monsoons, causing our glaciers to melt and completely, utterly ruining my life.
Even Moni Mohsin’s The Diary of a Social Butterfly can’t help me, and that’s the book that, till this morning, I thought held all the answers. This is a compilation of Mohsin’s columns for Pakistan’s Friday Times in which Butterfly, a wealthy, vacuous and self-obsessed lady-who-lunches shows us how to stop worrying and learn to love the bombs, communal violence, political philandering, corruption, ineffectual administration, rotten roads, worse sewerage, vagera, vagera, that afflict everyone on the subcontinent.
Butterfly is concerned about only one thing — herself. And though I laughed my head off at her attitude — for instance, the only thing that bothers her when Al Qaeda blows up the twin towers in New York is that Janoo, her husband, refuses to let her watch ‘sensible’ channels like B4U and MTV and instead hogs the TV, watching ‘bore’ BBC and CNN — I realised she had the answer to all of life’s problems. It’s simple: ignore them.
I was highly impressed, so for a week I watched only E! Tonite, read only about Page 3 people and, as a lady myself, concentrated hard on lunch. And all was perfect till I accidentally read about the existence of the aforementioned ABC and realised that if the Himalayan glaciers are melting, I wouldn’t be able to open an ashram in the mountains. The only thing I could open would be a swimming pool and who’d pay me vast amounts of major currencies for that?
The ABC, say scientists, was caused by the fact that millions of you have been burning fossil fuels and biomass — ie, all natural substances — over centuries without a thought for my future. So here’s my plea to page 3 people and ladies who lunch. Please have lots and lots
of cosmetic surgery. So you’ll become non-biodegradable and when you die and are cremated, the noxious fumes that rise from you will drive the ABC away.