As Aam Aadmi (AA) cradled his new-born daughter in his arms, he had a wonderful dream about her future. He pictured her skipping happily down the village roads built under the PMGSY (Pradhan Mantri Gram Sadak Yojana) to a school run either under the SSA (Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan) or the NMFL (National Mission for Female Literacy).
She would be enjoying a sumptuous lunch at school, thanks to the MDMS (Mid-Day Meal Scheme). AA wondered whether he had got that right — the scheme didn’t sound grand enough. Maybe it was the Rahul Gandhi MDMS, he had better find that out.
He then debated whether he should send his daughter to a school under the KGBVS (Kasturba Gandhi Balika Vidyalaya Scheme) or to a JNV (Jawahar Navodaya Vidyalaya). Or should it be under the RMSA (Rashtriya Madhyamik Shiksha Abhiyan)? This was no Ordinary Tricky Question (OTQ), thought AA, it was the future of his AB (Aam Baby).
This had the status of a JNTQ (Jawaharlal Nehru Tricky Question) if not a MGMTQ (Mahatma Gandhi Maha Tough Question). Who knows, maybe AB would become a scholar under the INSPIRE (Innovation in Science Pursuit for Inspired Research) programme and get admitted later to an IISER (Indian Institute for Science Education and Research)?
He must take care of her health, he thought, so he walked to the offices of the NHM, which he thought was the National Health Mission. Unfortunately it turned out to be the National Horticultural Mission. They told him he should go to the NRHM (National Rural Health Mission) office down the road built by PPP (Public-Private Partnership) under the NHDP (National Highways Development Programme).
At the NRHM, he met a woman he thought was called Asha but who turned out to be an ASHA (Associated Social Health Activist). She told him he should insure Aam Baby under the RSBU (Rashtriya Swasthya Bima Yojana). The AABY, he learnt, was not Aam Aadmi Baby Yojana but Aam Aadmi Bima Yojana.
He had to build a house. He was torn between the competing charms of the IAY (Indira Awas Yojana) and the RAY (Rajiv Awas Yojana). Should he get electricity for his house from the RGGVY (Rajiv Gandhi Grameen Vidyutikaran Yojana) or should he rely instead on JNNSM (Jawaharlal Nehru National Solar Mission)? Or was the APDRP (Accelerated Power Development and Reform Programme) the right scheme? As these decisions assailed him, AA rushed to a tap provided by the RGDWM (Rajiv Gandhi Drinking Water Mission) and poured some water over his head to cool himself.
He must find some way, he thought, of transforming himself from BPL (Below Poverty Line) to APL (Above Poverty Line). He went to the SJGSY (Swarna Jyoti Gram Swarozgar Yojana) office where they assured him they would initiate a multi-pronged, multi-sectoral and integrated approach.
He decided to seek work under the MGNREGS (Mahatma Gandhi National Rural Employment Guarantee Scheme), supplemented by food provided by the AAY (Antyodaya Anna Yojana) and money from his dad’s IGNOAPS (Indira Gandhi National Old Age Pension Scheme).
Finally, after having worked out AB’s future he went back home. “Mark my words,” he told his wife, “Aam Baby will do so well she will go abroad and come back as a member of RGGLPGVY.” His wife looked at him coldly. “RGGLPGVY is the Rajiv Gandhi Grameen LPG Vitarak Yojana,” she said, her lip curling in contempt. “What you mean,” she added, “is the PMGACOI or the Prime Minister’s Global Advisory Council of Overseas Indians.”
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
The views expressed by the author are personal