There can be no better time to say this. The Mumbai Indians are pressing the mattress at 11 for 1. Mukesh Ambani is sweating profusely. Ravichandran Ashwin bowled a maiden in the CSK’s very first over.
Earlier, Zaheer Khan, in Chennai’s 16th over dropped a sitter to give Suresh Raina a nudge-nudge wink-wink life. The volcano in Iceland is holding back its best spurt till the winning team lifts the IPL trophy. And Lalit Modi, well, is humming the ‘gayatri mantra’ backwards — therefore humming the ‘Stairway to Heaven’ tune — as a calming influence in the middle of the mob.
What better time than this to come out and say that I am the fake IPL blogger? Yes, yes, I know that there will be at least one or two allegations that I'm pulling a fast one. But before you can say, “Did you see Matt Hayden spooning it at 17?”, my confession about being the fake IPL blogger will be out there and sanctified in virtual stone.
Of course, I had to be relatively quiet this time. This year's IPL blog was made pretty much redundant by the blog format being hijacked by mainstream media. In any case, I didn't want smart people to trace things backwards and find that through all the debris of shell companies and dodgy fronts, I, the fake IPL blogger, actually was the front, the puppet-master of Modi. So I had to stick to this irregular column instead.
But even as I make this earth shattering announcement, Muralitharan has just put on his cap with the Mumbai score balanced at 40-1. After a slow start, Mukesh ‘bhai’ is sweating more heavily than the new IPL chief-to-be.
But hang on, Sachin — with his five stitches — is still there. As I continue to play ‘ungli cricket’, it doesn't miss my keen observation that the man called Abhishek Nayar has just thwacked two massive sixes, Sachin has followed it up with a dainty boundary and, in that elongated flash that lies at the heart of T20 cricket experience, Nayar has been replaced by Harbhajan who, after a run in one ball has, in turn, been replaced.
There's still another 5 overs left. And I'll meet Mumbai, Chennai and Bangalore, at the Champions League T20 that starts on September 10.
Sachin's just been caught out near the boundary, my bookie's just called me to say that Mumbai will still win (he lost me a lot of money by telling me to stick to KKR!), and Saurabh Tiwary has just walked in --- no, he's just walked out after a brilliant catch by Shadab Jataki.
I still don't know who'll win (my sweat equity’s on Chennai, my driver Murugan’s team). But know this: I'm the fake IPL blogger and don't believe it if anyone contests that. (J.P. Duminy's just out.) See you at the Football World Cup in South Africa.
P.S. I've just been told Chirayu Amin is the new fake IPL chief. Yes, Chirayu Amin.