It’s report card time in ‘UPA’ class
As Sonia flips through the sheets of papers, Arjun, Sharad, Chidu… all come up for review, says ER Ramachandran.india Updated: May 26, 2007 12:45 IST
Sonia Miss was going through the final exam papers and it was time to write the “progress report” of her wards for one last time.
As she flipped through the sheets of papers comprising homework, essays, composition and impositions (“I will not…”), she knew all of them were loyal to the core and would do anything to be in her good books.
She was ready to write the confidential report on the first student of her class.
“Arjun, the senior most member of the class likes only maths and likes in particular Irrational numbers, vulgar fractions like 33 1/3%. Still weak in A-B-C, but keeps over-writing on O-B-C. Have to promote him otherwise it’s over for the overage kid from the school itself.”
Then she wrote on the next student.
“Anbu, has a great liking for Ward-fights and picks up a few on his daily rounds like a bull-dog. For his persistent problems like Piles, Measles and Kidney believes applying Pepsi is the best medicine. Have to promote him for keeping peace in school.”
“Sharad is really a ‘kidult’ moving as an adult. He can’t distinguish between paddy field and cricket field and has failed in both. Coupled with his incoherence and unreadable mind he is a teacher’s nightmare.”
“Kamal, has a problem in keeping his attendance up and was in school only a month for the whole year. He tours all over the world with his godfathers in US, UK, but brings me gifts from IMF, G36 Meetings, etc. Has a weakness for holding never-ending rounds of talks on tariffs. If I don’t promote him, flow of my Italian Lasagnas and Pastas will stop.”
“Chidu is supposed to be the best in the class and quotes from Thiruvalluvar and Subramnaya Bharathi often whether anybody understand or not. He is supposed to get ‘dream’ marks, but is yet to deliver the goods. When he is wearing his native dress, I have problem in making out whether he is coming in or going away! Have to retain him for the time being.”
Although he is not attending school anymore, Miss still decided to evaluate him.
“Maran was admitted into the class, mainly because of influence, but surprisingly did well. His guardians suddenly yanked him off the school because of family fights. They have stolen his TV set.”
Next, she got to the class monitor.
“Although Mohan is the class monitor, he is so quiet, everybody including the teacher think he is absent. Other boys come in and go out at will, do soo-soo in class, throw paper arrow at him, still he is cool. I wonder if I was right in making him the class monitor, but is the best choice till I replace him with a younger, more dashing cute kid.”
Finally, she wrote about Rahul, the trainee who will remain in the class and results will not affect him.
“Has a great future because of the blue bloodline, tends to shoot his mouth once in a while, but that is a trait in the family, because of which, will scale new heights. Failed badly in the selection exam, but success is guaranteed for him. I will have to ensure this somehow.”
ER Ramchandran is based in Mysore and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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