For some time now, people have been gnashing their teeth and beating their breasts over the ongoing disaster that is the Commonwealth Games. But, what they don’t seem to have discerned is that all this chaos is a finely-crafted ploy to improve security measures. So crafty that it fooled you, didn’t it? As the momentum toward the Games, such as it is, gathers, the evil eye of jihadis from the Lashkar-e-Tayyeba and their ilk will fall on our shores. And be sure that they will dispatch squads to disrupt the proceedings with a well-aimed bomb or two.
But this is where our organisers have cut the ground from under their feet, literally. Imagine a suicide squad approaching Shivaji Stadium. “Ahmed, what’s that mountain up ahead? It’s not in your recce notes.” “It wasn’t there a few months ago, Sheikh. Anyway, it only seems to be a huge pile of rubble.” While the squad is tearing its hair out on how to circumnavigate this obstacle, little do they know that another booby trap awaits. Yes, it is not for nothing that we have allowed gigantic pools of slush to accumulate around the approaches to our stadiums where once roads stood. Let’s see any jihadi squelch his way through that and still be able to set off a bomb that will now be defused thanks to the copious infusion of mud gumming up its works. And let us inform you that setting off bombs inside your vest will take more than a little skill when you are five feet deep in mud and cement.
If, by some chance, a terrorist does get into the stadium, the sawdust on the floor will take care of his progress. That is if a strategic portion of the roof does not fall on his head. Or a torrent of water does not waterboard him before you can say Guantanamo Bay. All we can say is, all those who want to take a tip or two from us on how to deter terrorists, please book now. Cash in advance, please. You’ll find us in the shack on the left of the 50-foot pothole near the main stadium. Turn up and you’ll find that we are game for anything.