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Like to thank my cleaners...

Come on, we’ve all given our private 'Oscar winning' speech at some point or another. Some of us have held the rolling pin in lieu of the golden statuette, staring at it unbelievingly from time to time as we rattle on.

india Updated: Feb 25, 2008 19:31 IST
Off track | Mondy Thapar

Come on, we’ve all given our private 'Oscar winning' speech at some point or another. Some of us have held the rolling pin in lieu of the golden statuette, staring at it unbelievingly from time to time as we rattle on. So what is it about Oscar winners’ speeches that catches our fancy? But before I investigate into that, let me just say how irritating it is to find an Oscar winner using the spot to come across as a ‘good person’. Michael Moore’s sanctimonious “Shame on you, Mr Bush, shame on you” a few years ago was like having Mother Teresa breaking into an MTV Grind programme (either ‘grind’ or shut up!). Such plonkers just sound tacky and does little else than advertise what a ‘politically aware soul’ the speaker is.

But then, it is bone-achingly dull to hear those lines about “I’d like to thank my producer, my director, my wife, my son’s second-grade geography teacher, the sex worker next to my grandma’s old house....” The orchestra, by that time, starts drowning out the star, knowing that the tympani and the string section should have woken up earlier.

The tears that start flowing from sensitive actresses are quite delightful to watch — especially if it’s the blubbering Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry or Catherine Zeta Jones. Last night, Marion Cotillard (winning the Best Actress Oscar for the film La Vie A Rose) talked wonderful gibberish as her thank you speech, which was genuinely touching. But I’m practising my Oscar speech now. I’ll make that ultimate statement by going up, taking the Oscar (preferably from Angelina Jolie), raise my Oscar-bearing hand and say ‘Thanks’ into the mike and walk off. What do you think?