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Lost and not found

india Updated: Dec 08, 2009 23:15 IST

Hindustan Times
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We seek him here, we seek him there/ the Yankees seek him everywhere… that damned elusive bin Laden.’ This mangled ditty on the Scarlet Pimpernel best explains America’s thoughts on Osama, who according to US National Security Adviser James Jones pops across to Afghanistan from his mountain lair in Pakistan once in while. But we thought Pentagon chief Robert Gates said the US had no clue where dear old bin Laden has been for the last several years. So we wonder why, when he drops in to address the faithful in Afghanistan, Obama’s boys are not out with the nets. Or could it be that Osama has found a new calling altogether.

Don’t forget that the bin Laden school of theory is to convert the whole world to the holy ways of the faith. What better time to start than this festive season? So we submit that the US has got it all wrong. Osama is planning a much bigger strike on the world than Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld could ever dream of. He is going to assume a new avatar and unleash a jihad of giving and love on the world. Yes, you’re on the right track, meet Santa bin Claus and his sled drawn by Rudolph the Bactrian camel and company.

So on the night before Christmas, the sounds in the chimney mean bin Laden laden with gifts has dropped in. Gifts from him could range from Harpoon missiles to claymore mines and, as a bonus, free add-ons of wine and houris in heaven. So get real, America, you’re barking up the wrong chimney. Osama is not hanging out in Pakistan, he is in Lapland working on the gift list. And you can get to him by sneaking up pretending that you are part of a delegation that has lost its way to Copenhagen. Ho, ho, ho.