I don't like using the toilet in malls. Not just because they're weirdly built (where the fuck do they hide the cistern? I can't trust toilets whose cisterns I can't see. What sorcery makes water pop out of shiny marble walls?!) but also because it poses critical existential questions I can do without (How loud can you fart if someone occupies the next stall? Does one look down or stare blankly into the wall 2 inches from ones face while peeing like you're on death row?
What it does do however, is provide an insight into toilet etiquette amongst Indian men. Here are a few such behaviours:
Whipping your penis out 5 metres before the stall: For some reason, Indian men like to unzip their pants and grab their penis as soon as they open the toilet door as if it's a Pomeranian that needs to be controlled when it's not on a leash. Why can't they wait till they reach the stall? Is their underwear not airy enough? Is their penis trapped under a rock like James Franco in 127 hours? Does it need time to breathe and prepare like before an Opera performance?Treating it like your personal bathroom: Indian men also have the ability to treat public toilets as if they were their own. There is always one man washing his face, another spiking his hair with water to get the Tere Naam look, the third stuffing his boxers back into his pants and the fourth trying to comprehend Dan Brown's - The mystery of the paper towel dispenser.
Reduce the carbon footprint: The Indian male also likes to off shoot a mall's massive carbon footprint through individual efforts like not flushing. Infact, walking along a row of stalls with open doors in mall toilets is like a poor man's version of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So much shit being forced to coexist within close proximity - it is almost like a metaphor for our entire country. At this point one must also highlight how the process of washing fruits and vegetables under running water has indoctrinated men into never using soap post dump. Hey, if it's good enough for pesticides, it's good enough for bacteria right?
Gursimran Khamba is a pissed off writer, stand up comic, podcaster, social media junkie and lover of all fried foods. Except bananas. Follow him on Twitter at
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