'Married life is falling apart'
1. For a long time now, I have had problems with my wife's lack of interest in sex. Our love life was great but now it is not. I have talked, complained and begged but nothing changes. She says that nothing is wrong with her but I don't agree. I am a good provider, loyal to her but I cannot take anymore. Her main interest seems to be talking on the phone and surfing the Web. Taking care of her husband looks like the last thing on her mind. I try to take her out so we can have some romantic time but she never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I work all day and listen to the married women in the office. They make arrangements to spend time alone with their husband. I have never had that from my wife and guess I never will. What do I do? How can we work on our relation?
'Fear of non-performance is killing'
2. I am a 28-year-old married man living in the US. Over the past two years, I have seen a disturbing trend. My wife and I were having good sex for like 2-3 months and some day due to some reason or some weird thought, I lost erection. From there on, I always have this fear of losing erection and this anxiety eventually materializes my fear. Also, there's a struggle for a few months where we try hard to have sex. My wife being very understanding soothes me and asks me to relax and not get too anxious to get through the act. But it is difficult for me to get rid of the performance anxiety. The fear of non-performance is killing. There are chances of my wife feeling that she is not attractive anymore, which would complicate things. I have heard it is a common problem with men. Is it true? Is there any treatment or any specialist whom I can refer to in the US? Please guide.
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'I take tablets to have sex!'
1. I am 27-years-old. I have a girlfriend whom I'm going to marry in a year or two. When we have sex, my erection is done pretty fast. Due to this, we have fought and she thought I was not attracted to her and I also started losing confidence. I consulted a doctor. He examined my genitals and said everything looks normal. He gave me some tablets (Cialis). I used it for six months and it worked great. Since last month even those tablets have stopped working. Now, I have to take two in order to have sex. The doctor asked me to take some tests to see if there is a problem which he doubted since physically everything looked normal. My insurance doesn't cover this and I can't afford to undergo such tests. So I don't know what exactly to do. I think it might all be in my mind and I don't know how to start controlling my mind and start feeling more confident. This is causing depression both for me as well as my girlfriend. Please help me with your advice.
Reply From Dr. Prem Lata Chawla: It is not an uncommon problem and the medicines available for its remedy work only in a small percentage of cases and as you have experienced any medicine, which works for some time, may not give the same result all the times. The dose of the medicine has to be adjusted or the medicine itself has to be changed and there are not many choices as far as medicines are concerned. Counselling is still a better option for its management as anxiety or stress or even simple fatigue (once all the physical causes has been ruled out by treating doctor) can be the reason for erectile deficiency. You need not worry about your girl friend. She should decide for herself as to what she wants from you and need not be the source of anxiety for you. Of course, you are going to need the guidance of your sex specialist from time to time. So keep in touch with him.
'My hubby avoids sex with me'
2. My husband and I had the best sex of life until about a year ago. After that, he started working in a garage with new people and out of the blue he just stopped everything. He has become obsessed with porn and jerking off. I've been accusing him of cheating but he is reassuring me that he is not. When I try to have sex with him, he'll start saying his legs hurt. He literally waits for me to sleep. My patience has just run out! He's focused on something other than me. What should I do? I don't want my marriage to end. I would like to help him.
Reply From Dr. Prem Lata Chawla: Let us rephrase your statement: Your husband is not paying attention to you and has concentrated his sex life on some porn site but you want to save this marriage. This is how you should think of the situation and the concept of cheating should not disturb your thoughts. He is not cheating in the true sense as well, as there is no real person involved. Of course, he has got into a wrong habit. Give him time to realize his mistake and things would be back to normal. Try confronting him. Stop nagging. Create an atmosphere of crashing silence around this behaviour. He will be bewildered out of it. Go about your normal life as if nothing has happened and see the results. To add a little more to what I have said, nagging works as positive reinforcement and is not an effective tool for changing unwanted behaviour patterns while withdrawal of attention is very effective.