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Me vs. The Restaurant Baby: The Epic Conclusion

india Updated: Aug 03, 2011 15:10 IST
The Fake Jhunjhunwala
The Fake Jhunjhunwala
Hindustan Times
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Continued From Part 1...

The battle was on. The war cry had been sounded. The Restaurant Baby had targeted ME. It could have picked anyone in the entire restaurant but it decided to mess with ME. What it did not know was that there would be serious consequences to deal with.

Out from its mouth emanated the first whimper. Within a few seconds it had exploded into the catastrophic cry of a Dinosaur. As the sound waves bounced off my ear drum it ambled slowly towards me.

The mother sat frazzled on her chair removing the bits of baby drool and mashed baby food from her hair and the father was way too busy gobbling up the spring roll to even notice the tamasha.

It had expertly incapacitated the mother by planting baby food and massive amounts of saliva in her hair and clearly knew that the spring roll would take care of the father.

BabyThe baby had planned this to the core. The parents had no idea!Clearly it was a massive intelligence failure on their part. It was like I said a God Damn conspiracy to spoil my meal!

When it finally made the journey from its table to mine it stopped crying and moved a hand in the direction of the cucumber slice I was just about to munch.

That was it! This meant war. I don't care who you are baby or Neanderthal, when you try to take my food - it means WAR!!

A flurry of ways to get rid of this infant rushed through my head:-

I could drop a hand grenade in its diaper and blow it to bits

I could pulverize its body with the raw power of an AK 47 and leave it's carcass to be used as a bullet hole filled strainer to be used by the Restaurant

I could drop bucket loads of Fevicol into its mouth and keep that damn hole shut forever

I could even use one of my horns to bore through this infant and disable it forever

I then realized that this was a sophisticated enemy. Any attack on a baby would invite much annoying trouble from PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Babies) and even though I could handle these fellows, the ensuing drama = totally unwanted.

Then the solution hit me.

This baby had no way of combating me on a wealth level. I could simply crush it under the weight of my cheque book.

As the baby moved to snatch the salted cucumber piece from my hand yet again, I slowly arose from my chair and walked casually over to the manager.

A couple of phone calls ensued and then the Manager walked to the parents of the baby and passed on a message. The baby looked at me and I smiled back, no, not smile....I grinned. The infant knew I had just beaten it game, set and match.

The parents were unhappy to hear what the Manager had to say but they had no choice but to listen. The Mother picked up the child in her arms and the father cursed under his breath. As they walked out the door the baby glanced at me. I should have given it the finger but being the classy gentlemen I am, I merely waved with my grin added to extra effect.

Peace had returned. I finished my meal and thanked the Manager.

As I walked out of the restaurant with my family I glanced at the signboard outside which had been recently updated.

It read in big bold letters "THIS RESTAURANT IS NOW OWNED BY HIS GREATNESS SHRI SHRI SHRI RAKESH JHUNJHUNWALA. NO CRYING BABIES WILL BE ALLOWED ON THE PREMISES. IF YOUR BABY IS CRYING THEN YOU WILL BE EJECTED IMMEDIATELY. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION"

Marvel at MY GENIUS folks. It's true. I had bought the restaurant out. The moment I walked up to the Manager I told him to call the owner and made him an offer he could not refuse.

I now own this restaurant which is also *AHEM* Cry-Baby proof.

Take that Restaurant Baby! You and your kind have just been checkmated. Don't even try to spoil my meal ever and I mean EVER again.

The score reads Rakesh Jhunjhunwala: 1 Stupid Crying Baby: 0

The Fake Jhunjhunwala is the parody writer of the popular blog 'The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala'. He likes counting money. He is a big fan of Samosas, Ice Cream, Pav Bhaji, Pizza, Garlic Bread and Beer.

His hobbies include playing Super Mario, Stalking Hot Babes and Watching B-Grade films to intensively investigate any censor board violations. He also watches Cricket and worships Sachin Tendulkar as much as he worships himself. Read more from him at http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/

He can also be found on twitter usually ranting about Uday Chopra, The Universe and everything in between at http://twitter.com/Jhunjhunwala

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