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Nekkid? What’s that?

india Updated: May 23, 2007 05:16 IST
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Indians hold the proud honour of being the world’s second most populous nation without indulging in any sex whatsoever. Indians are, as we all know, are born through parthenogenesis.

Which is why I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. The very fabric of our existence is under threat. So some good people, get out there and DO something! Because fascists are a bad lot, and nekkid pictures are a bad lot too. Thus, being against nekkid pictures must be a Good Thing. Which means people against nekkid pictures can’t be fascists. Right? Far right.

I came across this programme on telly where a load of Wise People were talking about the incident at the Maharaja Sayajirao Gaekwad University of Arts. Many wise things were said by the Wise People, the gist of which was: we must not say or do anything that could offend anybody. The sort of thing I learnt on my mother’s knee.

I fail to understand why some people (bloggers, that means YOU!) do not understand. This depraved boy Chandramohan produced paintings where religious icons were shown in conjunction with (gasp!) nekkid figures. Very bad. One Wise Man pointed out that this was the ‘Thin End of the Wedge’.

(Warning: long digression starts)

What’s more, if this kind of thing is allowed, people might even suggest that the gentleman’s parents had been nekkid at some point of time. This, of course, cannot be true of Traditional Indian Parents, who are always, always Fully Clothed. They might even suggest that his parents (shudder!) had sex. This would strike at the roots of our ancient civilisation and culture, because, as we all know, Indians don’t have sex, never mind get nekkid. Some Indians are born from nodding flowers and raging fires (watch your Hindi movies carefully next time).

This proud truth is under threat from NRIs, so the guardians of our culture should give serious thought to attacking all the educational institutions that corrupt students’ minds by suggesting that Indians can and do indeed have sex like Scandinavians and Americans and....

Some stupid people have suggested that Indians know about sex because they have seen women worshipping shiv lingams. Such people do not realise that this is a demonstration of complete innocence. These women have never seen a non-Shiv lingam and therefore approach the holy phallus entirely unaware of its structuralist roots. The temple at Kamakkhya has no anatomical significance whatsoever.

(Long digression ends)

A group of morally responsible citizens stormed the MSG University, called in the police, roughed up a few students and faculty members and closed down the exhibition. Fine upstanding citizens do this kind of thing for the sake of democracy. For what is a democracy but the will of the greater number? There were more of them (outraged citizens, that is), so they were democratic.

Then the students and some faculty members did something Very Bad. They set up an exhibition that purported to show Indian erotica through the ages. This, of course, was intolerable. India has NEVER had any erotic art. Ajanta, Ellora, Khajuraho, Orcha do not exist (except in Scandinavia, America....) Or even if we did, we don’t know anything about them. Just shut up. Shutupshutup. (Good democratic reasoning in action.) Next week, we’re going to burn some books. And if we get lucky, some authors as well. (Next TV debate: Is burning book critics all right?)

Mousumi Sengupta is a media professional