Not tightlipped at all

The passion — or lack of it — in the royal kiss will excite passions for a long time to come.

Nearly half of mankind watched as William from the House of Windsor locked lips with the fair Kate Middleton. Television history was made, the BBC website crashed under the onslaught of voyeurs, and the world went crazy at the ‘shahi chumban’.

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As kisses go, this one would be the most watched and analysed. Pity Victoria and her descendants are not more becoming on the gaze, but they do manage to rustle up fairly fetching specimens as their spouses. For what they are worth, the fancy dress and decorations do their bit to bring the crowds in.

And it does not hurt the revelry to have a wedding at the beginning of an extended weekend.

But spare a thought for Britain’s future royals. If every wedding kiss is to be beamed around the world, and probably beyond, think of the performance pressure every Windsor bahu faces. Her marriage will be dissected from the word go, as it were.

A peck will be looked at askance as will a slobbering kiss. Too much or too little passion on display can doom a duchess. Finishing schools will have to teach wannabe queens — and by extension all wannabes — the politically correct wedding smooch. We are not certain yet whether protocol officers already throw in a trial buss in wedding rehearsals to see if it passes muster in the media. At this rate, it is just a matter of time.

Uneasy indeed lies the head that kisses the crown in full public gaze. The osculatory exercise is the point that divides the private from the public personage of celebrity. As the doors close on the ducal bedchamber, the 2.5 billion people who sighed, muttered or just ogled at WillKate’s balcony performance will have found eminently better things to do.

Our heartfelt wishes to the newlyweds, but we need our daily fix of tamasha too.