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Olá, Senhor Krishna

india Updated: Feb 19, 2011 21:14 IST
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Completely unreliable ex-alcoholic sources in New York tell me that before our foreign minister inexplicably read the Portuguese minister’s speech at the UN Security Council, an even more bizarre series of events had unfolded. We bring you the full version of what they claim was another speech given by SM Krishna.

‘Dear foreign ministers and excellencies, you have no idea how happy such an occasion makes me. These young people are embarking on the happiest period of their lives. As they go hand in hand through life, I would like to give them a word of advice. To the young man, I would ask him to remember that there are only two classes of married men in the world — those who are hen-pecked and those who think they are not. Ha Ha Ha.

Here’s wishing you a long and happy married life. May heaven shower its choicest blessings on the young couple. Ummm, just a minute, hang on. Something seems to be wrong here. This isn’t… it can’t be… oh sorry folks, this is the speech I was supposed

to make at my niece’s wedding. My apologies.

Ah, this looks like the real thing. Your excellencies, a moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Heck, this can’t be right….just a moment…. Uh, oh…..these seem to be the notes of great speeches I downloaded from the internet. Sorry, folks, my bad.

Don’t worry, this time I’ll have the right speech, heh heh. Ah, here it is. Dear foreign ministers, three shirts, two vests, one bedcover, three briefs. Oops, that’s not it, friends, this is my laundry list.

Ah, here it goes, at last. Ladies and gentlemen, I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything, As long as it’s free, I want your love, Love-love-love, I want your love. What on earth is this? Oh, ah, it’s the lyric for the Lady Gaga ‘Bad Romance’ song I was trying to sing last night. Sorry again, folks.

Let me empty out my pockets then. Could this be the speech? Let me try. Dear foreign ministers, grind together ginger, garlic, mustard seeds, red chillies, fenugreek seeds, coriander seeds, cumin seeds to a smooth paste. Apply this paste and salt to the chicken, heat oil and fry onions. What the heck, so that’s where my recipe for chicken vindaloo was, I couldn’t find it last night.

Oh, hang the speech. All I wanted to tell you is how honoured I am to be sitting here in the UN Security Council and giving this speech. And I hope you’ll give India a permanent seat soon, so that, ummm, so that, uh, I can come and give some more speeches here. Thank you very much.’

It was at that moment that the chap sitting next to Mr Krishna said, “If it’s the UN you want, pal, it’s two blocks to the east. This here is a meeting of the mid-Manhattan chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sorry we didn’t tell you earlier, but we thought you were one of us.”

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint)

*The views expressed by the author are personal