Pub culture

A 50-year-old woman in a conversation with her husband about getting lessons on pub culture.

‘What are you thinking about Mina?’ asked my husband, seeing the intense look on my face.

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“I’m seriously thinking of going to the pub....”

“What? I thought you hated that stuff? Since when did you start drinking?”

“Let me finish my sentence. I’m thinking of getting private lessons in pub...”

“You’re going to have someone teach you how and what to drink? I can’t believe this.”

“You’re not listening to me!”

“Why start drinking now? You’re past 50. You can’t suddenly start drinking at this age!”

“I am going to take a course in public speaking.”

“You? You’ve never opened your mouth in public... although [mumbles] you have lots to say at home. Even Obama would say, ‘No you can’t’ to this. In any case, why this sudden yearning for oratory? Are you going to stand for elections now?”

“I might. Who knows? The country needs ordinary middle-class citizens like me.”

“So you’re going to be public-spirited and all that, eh? That makes more sense than drinking.”

“You bet it does. And my maiden speech can be on how not to take the law into one’s own hands and assault young girls.”

“And how not to harass couples who show their affection in public...”

“Exactly.”

“At this rate, you’ll have the Minister for Women and Child Development wanting you to become her public relations officer.”

“Hmm. Not a bad idea...”

“Once you become an expert, you can use your skills to good effect. Like get paid for your lectures.”

“You mean... start a public limited company?”

“Exactly. All we have to do is keep the public in mind, keep our accounts right, no watering down anything.”

“Stick to the path of satya...”

“Right. And be immortalised in public memory.”

(Mina Anand is a Chennai-based writer)