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Rolling in money

Which institution gives you an assurance that your money parked in its pocket isn’t misappropriated, that no matter the low returns, you won't lose your hard-earned money? Wonders Arif Zakaria.

india Updated: Jan 23, 2009 20:13 IST
Arif Zakaria

I wake up every morning in a cold sweat fearing I have been robbed. I dread reading newspapers for fear that the companies in which I have invested have gone bust. I’m a performing artiste with a seasonal income, so I can’t afford too many ‘bad investments’.

What is a safe investment today? Which institution gives you an assurance that your money parked in its pocket isn’t misappropriated, that no matter the low returns, you won't lose your hard-earned money?

Hit men all
They are all ‘economic hit men’ — these stock brokers, bankers, insurance agents, mutual fund operators, builders and I T executives.

I suspect their motives and operations, their money lechery, and unscrupulous work ethics — the reason for my uneasiness while depositing money in my bank now.

What if it goes bust overnight? I fear these hit men more than any terrorist. A terrorist will end your life, but these guys will take everything, leaving you lifeless.

I have a practical plan. Henceforth, I’m going to keep my money at home with me. I plan to close my bank accounts, liquidate all my investments, get the hard cash and stash it under my bed. Period.

I find this the safest place for my money. I don’t trust any bank or company any more with my money. I trust myself and have big plans to utilise my money correctly.

With all the moolah in hand, I might resemble Richie Rich, surely not in cash but in spirit. Keeping money at home would help me to cut my expenses!

With my paper money, I could make Venetian blinds and fancy wallpaper thus saving on annual painting costs. Hand fans created from folding paper money generate pure air, helping me to save on electricity. I’m sure food eaten from paper money plates is equally tasty. Notes can be washed and dried in my washing machine, ready for reuse.

I will request a fashion designer to design my ‘paper money couture’, which will comprise paper money shirts, trousers and jeans, perhaps my only chance to be labelled fashion savvy.

Cutting costs
Even my footwear could be trendy paper money shoes, the soles to be made from monopoly fake paper money, easily replaceable if they wear off. Bundles of notes I will lift like dumbbells and barbells to exercise my body, thus saving gym costs.
My furniture will be crafted from paper money, giving it a funky look. Won’t counting cash daily be mentally stimulating?

Paper money
You can scoff at my ideas but it is still better than giving money to any bank, finance company or fraudulent fund managers.

Psychologists say the aroma of paper money is therapeutic, its colour soothing to the eyes, resulting in positive vibrations. So I will finally turn holistic with my money.

If the income tax authorities raid me, I will retort: “I don’t trust anyone with my cash, so I keep it with me.” Period.
The only negative side to this is my money will not multiply. But I believe what an economist said — “The only way I double my money is when I fold it!” But I will not part with my money because I don t trust anyone!

So, what’s your take?