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Sex and the single man

If there was once a city in which a guy might score, it was Mumbai, it was Mumbai, it was Mumbai. Jerry Pinto tells more.

india Updated: Feb 09, 2007 20:42 IST

Here’s a quiz question:
What lasts 13.98 minutes?

The answer:
That’s how long Indian men indulge in sex play.

The problem:
Does it matter?

Almost all the data we have about men’s sexual habits is a bit of a problem. This is because men do not know their statistics from their phrenology.

Step back a moment to the time of Kinsey measuring men’s birdies in America. This is the methodology he used.

He told the boys who had been chosen for the experiment to step this way please, take a look at this magazine, do what they must, and then lay it against this piece of white cardboard and mark the cardboard.

The men were then left all alone. If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s what I’m guessing the guys did. They all cheated and added an inch.
 
The same works for the number of times a city has sex. The Durex Survey, which bothers about these things, says that people have sex about 127 times a year. That’s about once every three days.

Those guys who said that they indulge in foreplay for 13. whatever minutes? They were probably lying. And they were probably lying the wrong way.

If all of them had actually cut down the amount of time they spent in kissing and cuddling and all the rest of that stuff, the result is that the number would have come down.

Then if the accepted average time was three minutes, someone doing a five minute stint between the first lip-lock and the knock-knock would have appeared like Adonis.

Now, in fact, everyone is going to have to keep in there for 15 or more minutes in order to shine.

More doom and gloom in Bombay’s bedrooms. If there was once a city in which a guy might score, it was Mumbai, it was Mumbai, it was Mumbai.

This was because it was safe and safe is a chick magnet. Single women came here to get away from the prying eyes of Chennai and the reaching hands of Delhi.

In Pyaar ke Side Effects, the Delhi girl played by Mallika Sherawat talks about how wonderful it is to be in Mumbai after living in the capital.

But a film will always be about a story that has happened.

Mumbai’s love story may have happened already. There has always been a skewed male-female ratio in the city.

Migrant men who come to the city to make their fortunes come without their wives, without their mothers, without their sisters.

They may bring them into the city later but the bitch goddess city is cruel and capricious.

Not all of them will be able to buy a home that can accommodate their women; the majority will have to be content with annual visits.                            

 

But that wasn’t about us. It wasn’t about townies and born-in Bombays. It was about an underclass. Only the apocalypse may be inching its way towards Antop to Malabar Hill.

The sex ratio for the city’s children is 898 girls to 1000 boys. That’s millions of missing girls.

That’s a problem which is going to hit us in the next ten years when all the colleges in the city are going to look the way IIT looks today: a handful of girls surrounded by a mass of milling men.

This is also around the time that we will replace Tokyo as the most populous city in the world.

Now think of that.

A young man manages to get a young girl to go out with him. He takes her to Marine Drive. There’s thousands of other men watching their every move.

No, wait. That’s what happens today.

The future is far too grim to imagine.

The present isn’t that wonderful either. I mean: 13 and something minutes?

Are they beginning to count from the paying of the bill in the restaurant? Or the first offer of a cup of coffee? And then the survey went on to ask if the respondents thought that they should take more time over foreplay or not.

Fifty-five per cent thought not. Forty-five per cent thought they should. I’m wondering if that works out to the male-female ratio of users of the internet…