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Such alien notions

A discussion on the economic crisis in the Lok Sabha started to run down “western culture”, Facebook and homosexuality. Hindustan Times, August 11.

india Updated: Aug 13, 2011 23:05 IST
Manas Chakravarty

A discussion on the economic crisis in the Lok Sabha started to run down “western culture”, Facebook and homosexuality.

Hindustan Times, August 11

An unreliable source tells me that an all-party meeting was called by the prime minister to discuss the worldwide crash in stock markets. Here are the purported minutes of that alleged meeting:

PM: Ladies and gentlemen, let us discuss the market crash and its impact on the economy.

Lalu: The gays did it.

Murli Manohar Joshi: I think it was potato chips.

Mulayam Singh: Western decadence is responsible.

Lalu: If you allow men to marry men, women to marry women and do slut walks, the economy is bound to go downhill.

Pranab Mukherjee: Don’t worry. Be happy. We will have 8% growth in our economy.

Sharad Yadav: I blame Facebook. Also the iPod and MMS.

Shiv Sena MP: Why can’t they eat vada pav instead of hamburgers and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

CPI(M) MP: This was inevitable. Capitalism is crumbling and it will take the Trinamool Congress down with it.

Trinamool Congress MP: Before it crumbles completely, can we announce another train to Kolkata?

DMK MP: Thank God for the market crash. This is one thing you can’t blame us for.

PM: What does all this have to do with the economic crisis?

Lalu: The connection is simple. Look what has happened in the West. They are so busy going to discos and rock concerts and orgies and looking at iPads, where do they have time for the economy? No wonder it’s crashing.

BJP MP: And they do all these things wearing tight jeans.

Akali Dal member: The orgies also? What exactly is the method?

Mulayam Singh: It’s because they discriminate against minorities. How many minority guys do they have in high places?

BJP member: They have one in the White House.

Mulayam Singh: One minority guy in one house, howsoever white that house may be, is hardly enough.

Congress MP: We can only form a view after consulting the aam aadmi. I plan to spend the night in a hut in rural Bihar, where I shall ask the inmates for their opinion on Standard & Poor’s downgrade of US government bonds.

Congress members: Hear, hear.

SM Krishna: I promise that if we are given a permanent seat in the Security Council, India will conduct itself with full responsibility.

PM: This isn’t the United Nations.

Krishna: Oh. Sorry.

Congress member: Did you know that on the first day of the crash the S&P index fell 6.66%? That’s the sign of the devil.

JMM MP: In my village, we had a guy who dabbled in stocks. We had to take him to the witch-doctor to cure him.

PM: Friends, we’re straying off the topic.

BJP MP: Sheila Dikshit is behind the crash. She should resign immediately.

PM: The question is: what are the ramifications on our economy?

BJP MP: Ramifications? Let’s Ramify the economy. Jai Shri Ram.

All BJP members: Hear hear.

Pranab Mukherjee: Don’t worry. Be happy.

A resolution was passed that the best way to protect the economy was to ensure that women wore long sleeves and that only vada pav was served at brokerages in Mumbai. MPs were asked not to frequent discos.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint The views expressed by the author are personal.