In the interest of Genuine Indian Culture, I’m going to stop wearing western garb like jeans and jackets and skirts!
Since the day Mangalore admirably slapped all those ashleel, pub-hopping girls who offended their notion of ‘Indianness’ with their brazen display of elbows and upper arms, I’ve gotten all fired up as well.
So I’m going to round up girlfriends and some right thinking men, and armed with my carefully drawn-up list, take to Delhi’s streets hitting and abusing people who are Enemies of Genuine Indian Culture.
Look, there’s a man who’s not scratching his scrotum, hoji doesn’t he know that scratching of scrotums in public is absolutely essential to genuine Indian culture — SLAP!
Look there’s a loser who showed up for a 8 pm party at eight o’ clock, poore India ki naak kata di — SLAP!
There’s a poor auto-driver who’s actually charging people by the meter. what will out-of-towners think? We’re a city of stupid, naive suckers! Shame, laanat, dhikkar, one tight SLAP!
Look at that grinning fool, on the horse, in a rented sherwani, he’s marrying a girl and not taking any dowry — maaro saale ko — SLAP!
Look there’s Arvind Adiga, who let the world in on the big secret of how poor most of India really is and got a Booker out of it — SLAP!
And Danny Boyle made a lovely movie about poverty triumphing against the odds in India, which has been nominated for ten Oscars, and does not have even one item song in it. What a disgusting break with good old Indian Tradition — SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
Look there’s that shooter dude who brought home a Gold medal from the Olympics; doesn’t he know that is totally against Genuine Indian Culture to bring home metal from the Olympics — SLAP!!!
Don’t think I’m a hypocrite. When I’ve finished slapping up all the anti-Indians, I’m going to make some hard lifestyle changes too.
In the interest of Indian Genuine Culture I’m going to stop wearing western garb like jeans and jackets and skirts and start wearing only a loose white diaphanous dupatta on my upper body and an extremely low-rise sarong below (like the chicks in the Amar Chitra Katha comics.) I’m going to laze in bed and read fashion magazines and not step into the kitchen or office or do a bit of work for ‘those five days of the month’ because it’s against Indian culture to do so. I may even think about being polygamous, that’s Indian culture too!