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The devil himself

It’s all clear to me now. So it was Lalit Modi all the time. Manas Chakravarty writes.

india Updated: Apr 25, 2010 00:07 IST

It’s all clear to me now. So it was Lalit Modi all the time. I had an inkling of it when Kolkata Knight Riders failed to make the semi-finals and Dada was unjustly given out in that match against Chennai Super Kings. I had a feeling then that all was not as it seemed, that dark satanic forces were at work undermining the game. My hunch was right.

Everybody now knows that Lalit Modi is the mastermind of an intricate web of shady deals ranging from betting to hatching shell companies in Mauritius, the Cayman Islands and the Bahamas to shadowy women walking away with files and a laptop just before an income tax raid to having benami equity stakes to favouring friends and relatives to weird stuff like sweat equity and facilitation fees and what not, apart from being involved in land scams and, worst of all, hobnobbing with politicians. Allegedly, of course. The only redeeming feature in Lalit’s life seems to be his conviction for possessing drugs when he was in college, which suggests he was a decent chap then.

Naturally, he must be investigated for everything, by all the investigative agencies. The Income Tax Department is doing a good job and so is the Enforcement Directorate, but why haven’t the Department of Company Affairs and Research & Analysis Wing (R&AW) got into the act yet? Do they have a soft spot for him? If so, they too must be investigated. Also, considering the international ramifications, why hasn’t the government roped in the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and Mossad?

I personally think they haven’t even scratched the surface of his misdemeanours yet. Who do you think was really behind the Goldman Sachs fraud case that is currently rocking the US? My lips are sealed.

Or take the Dantewada carnage. Who funded the Maoists, who shorted the mining stocks just before the massacre? And who do you think was behind the failure of the GSLV launch? Who swiped my ham sandwich at lunch? An impartial investigation will reveal all.

Or take the recent law banning the burqa in Belgium. Who could have done that if not Modi. Oh, ooops, sorry, wrong Modi this time. Sorry, Lalit. My mistake, Narendra.

But there’s no mistaking who’s behind the eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland. Who do you think was betting against airline stocks and short-selling crude oil just before a cloud of ash from the volcano covered Europe’s skies? All the CIA has to do is check the market records and everything will be exposed. Friends of mine who claim they’re from Iceland say that Eyjafjallajökull is Icelandic for Modi.

Next, just take any picture of Osama bin Laden, remove the beard, darken the face a little and add spectacles and hey presto, whom do we have here? And finally, of course, who arranged Sehwag’s mysterious shoulder injury that will keep him out of the T20 World Cup?

In fact, there’s really no need to go in for long-drawn-out investigations into these things. All we have to do is shave Lalit’s head. That will not only expose his horns, but also reveal the number 666 tattooed on his skull. If you remove his shoes, you will see that his hooves are cloven. And if you follow him around a bit, you could easily glimpse the forked tail peeping out from beneath his trouser leg. The question is: why isn’t the government doing all this? We demand answers, every night on primetime TV.

n manas.c@livemint.com

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint

The views expressed by the author are personal