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The Indo-Pak letters

india Updated: May 21, 2011 22:50 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times
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Here's the alleged correspondence on the Most Wanted list by the ministry of home affairs, handed over to me by a chap smoking something interesting.
1st letter
Dear home minister, Pakistan
I submit herewith the 'Most Wanted' list of terrorists who are holed up in your country. The top ten guys are
1) Dawood Ibrahim, 2) Hafeez Sayeed, 3) Wazhul Kamar Khan, 4) Feroze Abdul Rashid Khan, 5) Ajmal Kasab, 6) Papshmir, 7) Veena Malik, 8) Omar Abdullah, 9) Asif Ali Zardari and 10) Muhammad Ali Jinnah.
Some of these are responsible for the 26/7 carnage in Mumbai. Among the others, Muhammad Ali Jinnah fled this country after fomenting a series of riots and found sanctuary in Pakistan as long ago as 1947. Papshmir is a ruthless international terrorist seen in the company of Muammar Gaddafi, Idi Amin and Ayatollah Khomeini, as proved by the video clip enclosed. Happy Pongal to you. The curd rice was awesome.

2nd letter
Dear Hamid Halwai, Afghan president,
I'm very sorry the letter addressed to the Pak home ministry landed up in Afghanistan. Someone must have written the wrong address on the envelope.

3rd letter
Dear Hamid Karzai, Afghan president,
I'm so sorry my typist got your name wrong. He has been booked for rash and negligent alliteration.

4th letter
Dear home minister, Pakistan
The press here tells me that Wazhul Kamar Khan and Feroze Abdul Rashid Khan are in India. Please accordingly drop their names from the list. Please also ignore Ajmal Kasab's name, he's been with us so long we had forgotten about him.

5th letter
Dear Pakistan home minister,
Your reply says Muhammad Ali Jinnah died long ago. How do you expect us to know if you don't inform us? Please forward his death certificate. Incidentally, did you guys bump him off?
We're also grateful for the information that Omar Abdullah is in Kashmir. We'll go after him pronto. By the way, it does prove there's infiltration from your side into Kashmir, right? Ha, ha, gotcha.
We're encouraged by your response that you would love to hand over Asif Ali Zardari, although we don't understand why you say you can't do it because he's your boss. Please explain.
We're glad of your co-operation in these cases and hope that we'll soon sort out issues like the disputed Siri Fort.

6th letter
Dear Pakistan home minister,
Your letter says the video clip about Papshmir is taken from the movie Naked Gun and that Papshmir is a fictional terrorist. We are checking that story.
Yes, we meant the carnage in Mumbai on 26/11 and not 26/7, which was the date of the Mumbai floods. We're unconvinced, however, that you did not have a hand in those floods.
Incidentally, our reference was to the disputed Sir Creek in Kutch and not Siri Fort, which is in Delhi.
We are unable to understand why you want Katrina Kaif in exchange for Veena Malik.

7th letter
Dear Pakistan home minister,
Please ignore the reference to Pongal in my first letter. That was from a private mail to my aunt and I can't imagine how it was included.
Also, my name is not Pala Niappanchi Dambaram as has been wrongly mentioned in my letters by a typist who has since been hanged. It is Palaniappan Chidambaram.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint The views expressed by the author are personal.