Indian Express, Wednesday, March 17: “A day after a swarm of honey bees made a surprise appearance at the BSP rally where chief Mayawati was holding forth, the DIG and DM of Lucknow combed the area and questioned people to try and uncover what could have been a ‘conspiracy’ to derail the celebrations.”
Here’s what happened:
DIG [to a crowd of bystanders]: Did you see those bees at Behenji’s rally?
Bystander 1: Sure did. There were 1.5 lakh of them, to be precise. Those were African killer bees.
DM: How do you know?
Bystander 1: I counted them.
DM: I see. Why African? They looked like Manuwadi bees to me.
Bystander 1: Remember the movie Swarm?
Bystander 2: Starring Michael Caine.
Bystander 1: Yes, those were African killer bees. You also saw them in The Killer Bees.
Bystander 2: With Gloria Swanson.
Bystander 3: These bees were bred to kill. It was a dastardly political plot and it’s only because of her splendid courage in facing up to them that Behenji escaped.
DIG: What makes you think it was a plot?
Bystander 3: Don’t you remember in The Deadly Bees a farmer grows a special kind of bee that kills people in seconds?
DM: Very significant. So bees can become a lethal weapon?
Bystander 2: No, Lethal Weapon was Mel Gibson.
Bystander 4: Did you notice the crows sitting on the trees near the rally?
DM: No, why?
Bystander 4: They looked sinister. Remember The Birds?
Bystander 2: Alfred Hitchcock.
Bystander 4: Absolutely. Those crows could have attacked any time. But Behenji directed a steely glance at them and they got scared.
DIG: Were these crows too being remotely controlled?
Bystander 4: No doubt. Those mad scientist stories are the best.
DIG: You think it could be Mulayam?
Bystander 2: I thought he was a mad wrestler.
Bystander 4: Could be the central government. In Monster from Green Hell, a US government experiment went disastrously wrong and we had giant mutated wasps.
Bystander 5: In the movie Mansquito, the heroine who was doing the experiments starts turning into a mosquito. You could round up all the opposition leaders and check whether any of them are changing into bees.
Bystander 2: Or crows.
DM (to DIG): Make a note of that.
Bystander 3: A similar mutation happened in The Fly, the one with Jeff Goldblum. Next time you see a fly bothering Behenji, you should swat it — it could be Digvijay Singh.
DIG: That would be murder. Could arrange an encounter with the fly though.
Bystander 1: Was anyone paying any attention to the ants during the rally?
DM: No, why?
Bystander 1: They looked big.
Bystander 3: Army ants. As in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. They killed those Russian soldiers in the film.
Bystander 2: Cate Blanchett was fantastic as the evil Russian agent.
DIG: A woman villain? Could be state Congress president Rita Bahuguna.
Bystander 1: All I know is Behenji’s got to be careful. She’s got to be wary about mutated dogs, as in The Breed, she should avoid going near trees, because of the mutant killer trees in Trees 2: The Root of All Evil, she shouldn’t go out at night, because of the genetically altered bats in Bats, she must stay away from undead cats, as in Pet Sematary and she must stop bathing completely, because of the piranhas.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
The views expressed by the author are personal