Slopups: Hipster culinary fad involving a resurgence of Dickensian workhouse chic and menus featuring single-estate gruel and ‘air-dried’ bread.
Blahticle physics: New branch of science based on the discovery that increasing numbers of human beings can exist simultaneously in two distinct states: talking knowledgeably about the Higgs boson and yet not having the faintest idea what it is.
Strictly Come Despot: A new talent show from the BBC, sponsored by the UN, hoping to bolster the world’s depleted stock of crackpot tyrants. Ordinary folk compete in a series of dictator heats in the hope of finally being named as the most unhinged and unsuitable person to be given a country to run, whereupon they will be given a country to run.
Roadkour: New urban sport, created by rioting types, of stealing hundreds of hurdling barriers and erecting them in London’s VIP Olympic driving lanes overnight.
Drossing: The practice of living in a wheelie-bin for a week in order to fleece foreigners by renting out your apartment during the Olympics.
Bulbing: After planking came owling (the act of displaying oneself on top of miscellaneous objects in a sitting position while holding your knees). Bulbing will take over in 2012, and will involve hanging by your ankles and putting a grapefruit in your mouth.
Occupiety: The Anglican Church retaliates for the unauthorised squatters of 2011 by moving St Paul’s, brick by brick, on to the family camping field at Glastonbury and staging a 72-hour Cliff Richard v John Rutter smackdown. Pop-up churches become a mainstay of the festival circuit.
Siritant: The next tiresome generation of mobile phone users. As before, they obliviously bark and cack in to their handsets, but in 2012 it’s even worse because they’re not even talking to a person, they are speaking to the phone itself, trying to get the on-board virtual butler to answer questions such as ‘Activate Siri should I wear an umbrella today question mark stop’.
Findle: To access, on your tablet, special pornography designed to take advantage of the latest touchscreen technology.
Indignitaries: Armies of people whose lives have become so dormant they can be emobilised (summoned online) to take retrospective offence, normally on behalf of someone else, at pretty much anything that happens or is said on the BBC.
Fiscalamity: As in “we’re heading for a fiscalamity”, the final words from Mervyn King’s emotional speech on the day in 2012 when the money finally runs out and the Bank of England is forced to auction off all national treasures. North Korea snaps up Lady Thatcher, Dame Judi Dench is bought by China, but, at the 11th hour, David Attenborough is found to be covered by the Antarctic treaty and made available to everyone for peaceful and scientific purposes.
Lordained: Word used to describe the accidental anointing of Richard Dawkins during a visit to Cern. He becomes overheated while arguing against the use of the term ‘God particle’ and falls in to the accelerator, which hurls him, at the speed of light, towards said particle. Post-collision, Dawkins emerges as the Almighty, but doesn’t believe in himself and needs constant cheering up from the faithful.