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The real stories

Ahmadinejad says Holocaust a LieReuters, Sept 18, 2009Ahmadinejad blames US for 9/11. PTI, Sept 24, 2010

india Updated: Sep 25, 2010 23:07 IST

Ahmadinejad says Holocaust a Lie

Reuters, Sept 18, 2009

Ahmadinejad blames US for 9/11.

PTI, Sept 24, 2010

Once upon a time in Germany, there lived an American secret agent with a toothbrush moustache whose name was Adolf Hitler. The Americans made him the dictator of Germany. They even manufactured an ideology for him that came to be called Nazism, a corruption of Nashism, named after an agent called John Nash who thought it up during a drunken binge in Nashville, Tennessee. They wanted to destroy the British empire and replace it with an American

one, so they got Agent Adolf to start World War II.

Unfortunately, Adolf loved the British and allowed their soldiers to get away at Dunkirk, thus prolonging the war unnecessarily. Aliens took advantage of the confusion to infiltrate the top American leadership, installing one of their own, known by his Betelgeusian name of FDR, as president. That is why the vast majority of UFO sightings are in America. The aliens’ policy was to undermine all earthly powers, so they attacked Pearl Harbour to get America into the war.

The war ended with the evil satanic alien America emerging triumphant. Hitler faked his suicide and was whisked away to California, where he died happy as a much-admired star of sado-masochistic porn movies. Russia, the only other surviving power, had been infected by a deadly virus invented by a Jew called Karl Marx and it was just a matter of time before it collapsed. Nevertheless, for safety’s sake, America armed itself with two lethal weapons — the nuclear bomb and the hamburger. Also, note how all American leaders wear ties, which is a gift from the devil. I never wear those diabolical things.

The aliens then turned their attention to the Middle East, perceiving the region as a threat to their satanic way of life. So they invented the Holocaust and settled the Jews in Palestine, to serve as a beachhead and to subdue us with democracy, Coke and Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse proves the alien connection, because mice rule the world in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. They would have taken over the entire region, if we hadn’t had a glorious revolution and consigned all our ties, including bow-ties, to the dustbin.

We rejected capitalism, a demonic economic system almost as bad as godless socialism and adopted a humane and just economy where Revolutionary Guards own large chunks of businesses, so that they can guide the profits to the right spiritual channels. A bit of flogging and stoning also helps. That is why, despite the western devils unleashing weapons of mass destruction like U-tube, Twitter, bikinis and even Lady Gaga on us, we have remained gloriously victorious.

No wonder then that American economy started to fail and Osama and Bush had to stage 9/11 to revive it. But even that ploy didn’t work, because the Wall Street predators started fighting the Wall Street aliens, with the vampires also joining in, leading to the current financial crisis. At the moment, the winner seems to be Goldman Sachs, whom the vast majority believe is a giant squid, but it faces stiff competition from a giant panda called China, who many believe will win because of his kung-fu skills. Osama, with his exemplary persuasive powers, is now a very successful used car salesman in Texas, not far from the Bush ranch.

To sum up: the Holocaust never happened, the American government planned 9/11 and the Delhi Commonwealth Games will be the best ever.

( Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint )

*The views expressed by the author are personal