As K-Y jelly prices shoot up after the pain inflicted to our supple nation on Saturday night, I reach for my dictionary demanding to know what the word 'minnow' means. "Something small or insignificant of its kind."
I need another dictionary. Actually, make that another cricket team. As Habibul Bashar's boys sat on the collective face of Team India until the latter left strange trails behind on the outfield of the Queen's Park Oval in Port-of-Spain, I wondered what Rahul Dravid meant in the post-match conference by "With another 30-40 runs, it would have been a good game." Um, darling, it would have been a good game if your team played a good game.
But one monkey don't stop this show. When Sehwag's mom tells us that India will still certainly bring the World Cup home, whom will I trust: the lady who once called up her son on his mobile telling him to do unspeakable things to the world involving a clenched fist, or my eyes? Right.
And in case Calcutta starts getting ideas about Sourav needing a new team in order to shine, let me tell you why Dada was guaranteed not to make a Ganguly of himself.
Considering that the Bengali southpaw knew what the wicket-keeper Mushfiqur Rahim was shouting each time a Bangla spinner came in to bowl — for instance, "Bhaizan, ebar ekta flipper choirye diya oneka bashay pathaya dao." (rough translation: Bowl a flipper and send him home) — he was bound to score nothing less than 66. Sachin should quickly learn Bermudese by tonight.
There were some of us who were in denial about the strange Odissi recital that the Bedwetters in Blue put up for us. We figured - we prayed - that India lost because the match was fixed.
But Muhammad 'Grameen Bank' Younus told me that micro-credit alone was behind Bangladesh's historic victory. Damn!
And talking about binge-drinking - you don't reach for a jar of K-Y in a sober state, do you? - Ireland sending Inzy's team back to Pakistan warmed the (otherwise dampened) cockles of my heart on St Patrick's Day. (Although Bono thinks that it was wrong to send out a 'Paki Go Home!' message. So he has announced that U2 will be writing a song in honour of the well-spanked Pakistani team tentatively called, 'With or Without Younis'.)
As for India's possibilities of turning into a yellow minnow (refer to meaning above) themselves during this World Cup, I simply don't believe in that kind of low negativism.
Till the next stomach upset, pass the mustard, Rahul. I know that doesn't rhyme. But then, does he?