Just when we were told that we’d get to see the super sleuths of Scotland Yard, who were reportedly coming to New Delhi to protect the British contingent at the Commonwealth Games, comes news that this might not happen. The Brits, we gather, are happy with the security arrangements here. Clearly, the poor deluded souls have not had first-hand experience of our security methods. Not that we are not effective, mind you, just a trifle unorthodox.
Now Scotland Yard may go in for painstaking forensic examination followed by rigorous questioning of the suspects and those known to them. This could take months, even years. Our methods are far less complicated. If, by chance, you are found loitering around the Games village in Delhi, our security would get you to spill the beans in no time at all. The ‘what do you think you’re doing?’ would be accompanied by a few well-aimed whacks across the face. If this does not get you to sing, then it’s off to the local thana where they have ways to make you talk. If, God forbid, a crime were to be committed in the Games village or any athlete perceived a threat, trust our lads in khaki to be all over the crime scene obliterating all evidence and relying only on their powers of deduction to nab the culprits.
Of course, it is possible that those nabbed may say they were in distant Barabanki at the time of the offence, but we don’t let such minor details get in the way of speedy resolution of crimes. So we don’t really need the toffs from Scotland Yard coming down here and communing with our lads. At best they can come around, stay in the British High Commission compound saying “har, har, pass the gin and tonic, old chap”, and observe from a distance how we get results faster than instant noodles. All we can say is Scotland Yard or no Scotland Yard, we’re game for anything.