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We're dead serious

I shall now write only on deadly solemn subjects, despite the strain on my brain and the smoke coming out of my ears, writes Manas Chakravarty.

india Updated: Feb 04, 2012 21:25 IST

I’m feeling sad and slighted, because of all the harsh things they’re saying about us mediawallahs. The press council boss, the prime minister and other big shots all think we are a frivolous bunch of lowbrow jokers. I shall, therefore, now write only on deadly solemn subjects, despite the strain on my brain and the smoke coming out of my ears.

The big story is the ruckus about the Supreme Court cancelling telecom licences. Let’s get down to the profound analysis. Doesn’t the government have any shame? Don’t they care for the country? I would have been in deep despair, but luckily I thought of brave Sunny Leone, the Canadian porn star who did such a wonderful job in Bigg Boss 5. Guess what, Sunny is learning Hindi for the role she landed in Jism 2. Oh what a movie that’ll be. And just think how patriotic she is, she even tweeted she’s “Indian & proud”. Why can’t our ministers be like Sunny and love the country? The government must learn from her.

That brings me to the crucial UP elections. Will Mayawati be able to pull it off again? It’s a matter of great pride that women like her, Jaya, Mamata and Sonia have risen to such heights in our country. By the way, talking of women, did you know Rihanna has been voted the hottest woman on Twitter? She even beat Beyonce and Shakira, who I’m sure are green with envy. Check out the fabulous black and white photos for her brand new Armani lingerie line.

Back to the grim stuff. The prime minister says malnutrition in the country is a national shame. Tsk, tsk, to think that kids are being deprived of the joys of wine-poached salmon with black truffles. Place salmon in a large skillet with two cups white wine and sprinkle with salt and dill. For the wine, a Chardonnay or a Riesling would be right. Avoid the Sauvignon Blanc, it’s too versatile. Oh, I digress, they must do something for malnutrition. Take some pills or something? And they could watch Masterchef Australia for ideas, right?

But does the government have the money? Their finances are in horrible shape and there’s a huge deficit. They really have to trim the flab. For ordinary folks, a fitness regime and a diet are absolutely essential and there’s no reason why that shouldn’t apply to government. The Paleo diet, modelled after the diet of paleolithic cavemen and the pole dance workout have been known to work wonders.

Why are our governments so inept? It’s probably because the secretariat in Delhi was designed by a Brit called Herbert Baker, who obviously had no idea about vaastu. The place has terrible vibes. Pranabda should immediately instal a large crystal in the northeast corner of his office.

And now for the positive story of the day, about the man in Mumbai who was beaten to death because he took too long in a public toilet. Nattering negativists will say it’s a shame we don’t even have enough toilets for our people, which would be a completely wrong conclusion. Instead, all that is required for swiftly concluding one’s business in public toilets is a strong purgative. The government must distribute purgatives in large quantities from ration shops, under a special programme called the Centrally Redistributed and Administered Purgative Scheme (CRAPS).

I gotta go now to find out what exactly Farah Khan’s husband told Shah Rukh Khan to get him so angry — it must be rude things about the fiscal deficit.

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint)

Views expressed by the author are personal