It’s the start of a new feminist revolution and you my fellow columnist, are its undeniably cute poster boy (yes Imran, I’m referring to you and oh, by the way, you can call me PC)! Thank you for extending the olive branch — it’s definitely a good start and we are more than willing to come to a compromise on the Mars/Venus stuff you wrote about in your last column. I’m also glad that you’re open to my attempts at demystifying the woman for you and your team (not completely though… there’ll always be a mystery about us).
So, here’s an idea: how about you boys get into a huddle and nominate one guy who will be given a short induction course on the ‘Woman’. When he returns to the fold, we will send along a manual for the rest of you.
It’s a simple one-day induction where he must act, feel and think like a woman. And I don’t mean Dostana style (I’m all for gay rights, BTW). Anyway, his task will be to impart the knowledge to the brotherhood.
So pack his bags (the choice of brand, shape, size and colour is left to you) and send him over. We will attempt to teach him that it’s not just about the bag! It’s about those millions of little and large things that make us so interesting!
More importantly, it will be about unlearning the things that make you guys so… well… similar (no offence meant!!).
* Firstly, we’ll teach him about choices — clothes, shoes, bags, styles — and make him unlearn that his choices are limited, that denim is not the uniform for your brotherhood and that scrunching your hair with some gel isn’t the only hairstyle. Look at what we’ve achieved with David Beckham!!!
* We’ll also teach him some feminine graces; the refined and stylish way we carry ourselves and make him unlearn the art of itching and picking at parts of his anatomy in public (Don’t try denying it!!).
* Very importantly, we’ll teach him how to feel (now, now boys it’s not what you’re thinking. Tsk!! Tsk!!). It’s a lesson in emotion — to hug a friend when she’s down or to listen to her for seven hours (even if she has said the same thing over and over and cried in 70 different ways) and make him unlearn that a ‘grunt’ and a ‘smack’ on the back won’t solve the problems in the world.
* We’ll teach him that you CAN do many things at one time and it’s not rocket science; it’s called multi-tasking. We can talk, cook, take care of the baby and watch TV, all at the same time!
We will make him unlearn the belief that the mind of a man is equipped with only a Pentium 1 processor and that he could actually upgrade, if you just read the manual.
* We’ll teach him to ask... for directions, advice or help and make him unlearn that an ego and blinkers will not take him where he wants to go!
* We’ll teach him that women are intelligent, unique, fascinating, strong, mystical and so much more and make him unlearn his belief that we are all entangled in the same matrix code that cannot be cracked. It’s pretty simple, actually… You just have to try!
And during the course of the day, we’ll also learn and unlearn a few things about you guys. It’s only fair. We can’t live with you but we definitely can’t live without you. So what say boys… game on?
Ok, as parting line, I’ll admit, we do have a few layers, which can be magical, mystical or maniacal, whichever way you want to see it. I’ll let the lyrics of Meredith Brooks speak for us: “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover /I’m a child, I’m a mother/ I’m a sinner, I’m a saint/I do not feel ashamed/I’m your hell, I’m your dream/I’m nothing in between / You know you wouldn’t want it any other way! So take me as I am/This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man...”
P.S. So, Imran, should we get this party started?!!