It’s the start of a brand new year and it’s time to make those relationship resolutions, promise to stick to them and sooner or later, break them. We asked four stand-up comics what they learnt from their relationships and women last year, here’s what they had to say:
Being a single bloke in 2012, I learned quite a bit from women:
Your job is everything. When women check out a man’s ass, their actually seeing how thick his wallet is.
Cigarette smoking makes you look cool. But it ends there. No woman wants exchange exhaust fumes in a passionate kiss.
Love is just another dirty four-letter word. Wait for someone who’s willing to test the depth of water with both feet before you bring out the towels.
Other relationships matter. Just because your best friend has the same reproductory organs as you doesn’t mean you ignore him/her
once you start getting some.
There is nothing to do in Mumbai. We need more activities outside the bedroom. Someone please build a park.
I know you are impressed by my positivity. It is my forte. I’m single.
2012 proved that Indian women are superior to the Indian man in every way:
They’re stronger, smarter and more intelligent: like the iPhone 5. While Indian men are like that pigeon message service in Maine Pyar Kiya.
Indian men have disreputed themselves in scams, crimes and the Indian captaincy; while our women have won medals, run governments (admittedly, with a hit and miss ratio) and launched themselves
into space! Which, honestly, should be where we should send most Indian guys.
The two sexiest Indian women and my heroes of 2012 are Mary Kom and Saina Nehwal. I’d love to be Mary’s husband. I’d just enter bars in a frock and get into fights, just so she can protect me: “Eh, don’t come close or my Mary will destroy you. Gold medal punches, yo.”
Saina has a Haryanvi’s tenacity and a Hyderabadi’s brain — how she’s still not Prime Minister of India and the Universe is beyond me.
Indian women are the greatest ladies on the planet and when they need it, I vow to protect them — except when they fight each other. Then, I’m going to be screaming, “Wooo! Cat fight.”
Hundreds of artists, writers, musicians and simple-minded boys and girls ask themselves what they have learned from their relationship every day. Yet, besides having beautiful paintings, romantic novels, heart-melting love ballads and brokenhearted people wandering around, the question, rather the concept, remains unsolved.
I think the fundamental problem is that most of us mistake love for happiness. We believe that falling or being in love will make us happy. Falling in love gives us the feeling of being happy, but staying in love is a whole new drama.
Staying in love comes with a lot of baggage; things like insecurity, possessiveness, staying faithful, expenses and other distracting
elements keep popping up and
unpleasantly surprise you.
When it comes to relationships love takes various shapes. I’m sure there are people out there who are truly in love and respect their partners and I’ve seen this more in gay couples than straight ones. I don’t know what that says about humans and more importantly about love.
2012 was significant for me because it was the first time in my life I got dumped. Once you're dumped, you go through multiple phases:
You spend the first week looking at things the two of you shared and crying like Reema Lagoo in a Sooraj Barjatya movie. The only difference is that Reema Lagoo is getting paid (I hope).
The fact that you’re now single will slowly settle in. This is also the phase when you’re most likely to make stupid decisions because you’ll do anything to keep yourself distracted. In my case, I bought tons and tons of furniture.
This is when it’s most likely that you’ll find a rebound. Or if you’re really ugly, like me, you’ll find a new website on a new browser tab (you’ll most likely use Incognito mode a lot during this phase).
You’ve finally decide to discuss it with your friends. If it’s a girl, you’ll have intense, elaborate talks. If it’s a guy, you’ll spend hours sitting around, eating a pizza and PlayStation-ing. If you do decide to discuss your feelings with him, expect responses like “She’s not worth it”, and “Dude, you wanna eat pizza?” a lot.
It’s been ages since the break up. You’ve moved on. By now you refer to your ex with names that cannot be printed.
Finally, you’re truly over it and are able to write about it in a piece for a very popular newspaper. See what I did there?
–As told to Amrutha Penumudi and Shalvi Mangaokar