Here are the results of in-depth sociobiological, epistemological and proctological surveys of the latest views about Narendra Modi:
Soft-hearted guy: Modi is coming. He will come surfing on a huge sympathy wave, brought on by the sight of the poor chap wearily wending his way from speech to speech, with hardly a moment's rest. My heart goes out to him.
Hen-pecked voter: I can't say whom I'll vote for. My wife takes all the decisions.
Lazy bureaucrat: Everyone tells me Modi will energise the bureaucracy. I have absolutely no wish to be energised, thank you, I find being a laid-back bum very relaxing.
Old Bearded Chap: We Old Bearded Chaps (OBCs) must stick together.
Book publisher: The BJP must win. All the history books will be changed. Could the experts find a way of revising English books too, perhaps to include Vedic English?
Gujjar voter: Where's my reserved job?
Gujarat CM aspirant: Modi should become PM. The sooner the better.
Economist: On the one hand, Modi as prime minister will raise animal spirits, which means more investment, more supply, lower inflation, lower interest rates and lower EMIs on my housing loan.
Economist again: On the other hand, Modi will kickstart growth, which means more imports, a wider current account deficit, a weaker rupee, rising import costs, higher inflation, higher interest rates, higher EMIs on my housing loan.
Congress MP: I'm not worried. I've been practising walking out of the House, rushing to the Speaker and shouting. I'm a bit rusty, but it's nothing that a few months of hard work can't cure.
Vegetarian voter: As a fellow vegetarian, I'm counting on Modi to lower vegetable prices.
Teacher: Modi has said several times that he would like to export teachers. I can't wait to be exported, preferably to the US.
First-time voter: As a bright young voter, I have to vote for the country's 63-year-old youth icon.
English professor: Upon what vegetable doth this our Modi feed, that he is grown so great?
Turncoat secularist: It's time to rearrange my prejudices.
Exorcist: Why does Modi wear shoes? Does he have a cloven hoof? And is that a forked tail peeping out beneath his trousers? Why is there a whiff of brimstone when he goes past?
Hedge-pruner: I trim hedges. Modi will trim the fiscal deficit.
Mallika Sherawat: Does this mean I get to sing Happy Birthday in Parliament next year?
NRI Modi fan: Is Prime Minister of India enough? Shouldn't he be the leader of a more powerful nation? Like China? Or the US?
Bookie: I'm offering 80 to 100 on Modi.
Queue-er: I'm not particular who I vote for. I just like standing for hours in voting queues to push a button on the off-chance the guy you want gets elected and then waiting for years hoping he'll do what you want him to do.
Anti-Modi guy: Do you know he's responsible for typhoon ‘Haiyan' that killed so many in the Philippines? Haiyan is Filipino for Modi.
US consulate official: Heck, if he becomes PM I won't have the inexpressible pleasure of refusing him a visa.
J Bhagwati: Ha. What does Sen have to say now, eh?
Sozzled Delhi voter: Who Modi? Ah yes, naish chap, great boozh.
(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint)
Views expressed by the author are personal