Now that the excitement over the ordinance to shield convicted politicians has ebbed, it’s time to hand out the awards.
Best Actor in a Leading Role: Rahul Gandhi, for his mind-blowing performance at the Delhi press club. Critics say his famous line, “It is complete nonsense. It should be torn up and thrown away,” is a lot like Churchill’s ‘We shall fight on the beaches….we shall fight in the fields and in the streets…we shall never surrender.” A Bollywood coach says that Rahul practised long and hard before the final take, adopting the Stanislavski method of acting. “He immersed himself for weeks in Amitabh Bachchan’s Angry Young Man movies”, added the coach. Insiders reveal that the original script said bullshit instead of nonsense, but it was changed because religious sensibilities might be hurt. Rahul’s performance has received rave reviews, with one critic tweeting, “He’s such a cutie-pie,” and another thundering, “The time has come for the nation to demand a dimpled prime minister.”
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Ajay Maken, for his virtuoso performance during Rahul’s fulminations. The expressions on his face, ranging from smiles to shock to horror and back to a strained smile, were a treat to watch. Film buffs say his performance was better than Irrfan’s portrayal of a reticent babu in The Lunchbox.
Lifetime Achievement Award for Awesome Performance in a Meteorological Role: Manmohan Singh. “Dr Singh’s remark, ‘We will see which way the wind blows’ on the way back from the US was the catalyst for the award”, explained a representative of the Bollywood Motion Pictures Academy (BOMPA). “Manmohanji is a master of deciphering which way the wind is blowing and trimming his sails accordingly and he deserves a prize for these meteorological skills,” he said. Fans will recall Dr Singh is already the recipient of the Fevicol Award for Stubbornly Sticking to His Seat Come What May.
Best Performance in a Pseudo-emotional Role: Ravi Shankar Prasad. His display of deeply fake concern for the ‘insult to the office of the prime minister’ was truly inspiring. “It was a very difficult role, given that a few weeks ago Ravi’s partymen were shouting ‘PM chor hai’ in Parliament. But Ravi played it to perfection, oozing pseudo-sympathy for the PM from every pore,” said a drama reviewer.
Best Hair-raising Stunts: This time, however, BOMPA has decided to honour all Congress spokespersons with a Special Award for Somersaulting and U-turning. “These somersaults and U-turns were done at speeds that take the breath away,” said a fan. He added that both the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley’s Believe It or Not will feature these amazing stunts.
Best Performance at Press Club Award: Rahul Gandhi. Thanks to his heroic efforts, the Delhi Press Club is now famous, not just for its booze, but also as the place where government decisions are made.
Lifetime Achievement Award: Pranab Mukherjee, for his role in scrapping the ordinance.
Astounding Performance in a Tragi-Comic Role: The Union Cabinet.
After editing and adding songs, the full movie, dubbed ‘Carry on Rahul’, will be sent to Cannes. But this year’s winner is likely to be ‘Clowns of the US Congress’, a film on the government shutdown in the US, which is playing to packed houses there.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
Views expressed by the author are personal