Stand-up comedian Sapan Verma says no plan is a good plan on New Year’s Eve, but you will still pay through your nose to have one
It has officially been the worst year of everyone’s life. Hillary Clinton would agree. We witnessed terror attacks, natural calamities, and even Befikre. Britain left EU, Arnab left his old news channel, and Angelina left Brad. And how can we forget the one who became an immortal internet meme posthumously: Harambe.
It’s time to finally bid adieu to this year. Which brings us to the most horrible and annoying occasion according to me: New Year’s Eve. Don’t get me wrong, I love the whole end-of-the-year vibe which brings in Christmas-y feels clubbed with a pretentious Mumbai winter. It’s all good until we reach the very end where it all collapses, pretty much like the climax of a bad thriller. Because that’s when you face the ultimate question: “So…what plans for New Year’s Eve?”
People frantically try to make last-minute plans and force themselves to do things they don’t really want to do, but they just have to do it because FOMO (fear of missing out) is hitting them hard. (See how my cool internet lingo is on point? It’s fleek af.) I’ve fallen into this trap year after year. So it’s my duty to warn you about it.
Let’s start with the first option: going to a pub/restaurant/nightclub. Last year, a pub told me that they would charge Rs 8,000 per person just to let me stand inside. Tables began at Rs 20,000 onward. I rejected the offer because a Snapchat story isn’t worth that much. But if you plan to be surrounded by sweaty armpits and stale starters made from chicken that died during The Great Depression, do drop in to a venue near you.
There are also hipsters who say things like, “I have some mad house party scenes, bro”, which is doublespeak for “I’m going to make small talk with acquaintances until one of them is drunk enough to find me attractive”. Most house parties that I’ve been to ended up with somebody making out, somebody falling asleep before 12 am, or a combination of both. I guess you can already tell that I’m not really a people person.
So, this year, I was contemplating going on a solo vacation. Tick off that cliché of “finding myself”. But a return ticket to Bhutan was going to cost me more than the seed funding for a start-up. Plus, all good hotels were booked already. Which is when I realised that there’s no escaping this night. It’s an international phenomenon. If you want to avoid Diwali, you can go abroad. If you want to avoid stupid Halloween, you can go to an Indian village.
But if you want to avoid New Year’s Eve, you’ll probably have to be on another planet. And even there, you’ll have to make small talk with Matt Damon.
So, here’s my final plan for this New Year’s Eve: get a bottle of wine or two, find a comfortable recliner by the window, and binge-watch the shit out of that TV show into 2017. Though, if you still feel like going out and meeting a few people, just go to an ATM instead.
Verma is a stand-up comedian from East India Comedy. His solo special, Obsessive Comedic Disorder, is now on Amazon Prime Video. He tweets as @sapanv.