This Sunday, May 1, marks World Laughter Day. To make the most of it, HT City brings you the choicest one-liners from popular stand up comics.
1 Papa CJ
•Internet consumption has crashed in Bangladesh after their T20 World Cup loss to India. Apparently it breaks their heart each time they type WWW.
•This is a hashtag generation. In our time we had no tags. Just hash.
•I’m from Calcutta. In England they drive on the left of the road and in Calcutta we drive on what is left of the road.
•The biggest Gurgaon specific joke for comedians: Venue cost 50%. Entertainment Tax 25%. Service Tax 14.5%. TDS 10%. No wonder you want us to write jokes for you because it isn’t worth our while to come to Gurgaon to perform them.
2 Amit Tandon
•Punjabi Logic says I love you so much, I will force feed you to death.
•Whenever you fail you have two choices: - either stay down or get up and fight again. But at some stage, you need to realize that you are married and surrender is a cheaper option.
•Encourage your kids to read books. It might not guarantee bright future for them, but it surely guarantees a peaceful present for you.
•When a couple is fighting and is in the silent zone, both of them are at their best behaviour because they don’t want the spouse to gain an extra point. So, the Kitchen is tidy, TV isn’t loud, Bed is clean, Kids aren’t that cranky either. Remember! money can buy you a house, but a fight makes it a HOME.
• If you hate a bawling kid in the plane / train, remember that you were that kid once. So this is not inconvenience, this is Karma.
• I find it really stupid when people take videos of airport bus journey. But I will find it more stupid if they later watched that video also.
•My wife said it is very tough shopping with kids. Now, I never leave them home while going to a mall.
•My wife is angry with me. She said “You only love me in real life and not on Facebook”.
3 Sorabh Pant
•Yaar, I don’t care about Hrithik and Kangana’s emails. I have 23,898 unread emails myself.
•Biopics on MSD. (+) Azhar (+) SRT (+) a World Cup (+) IPL 2016 is designed to make India so sick of cricket - we FINALLY switch to Kabaddi.
•If you see a stupid baraat causing traffic on the road. Feel free to gate crash their wedding. Since they basically gate crashed our roads.
•Honestly #GameOfThrones has shocked me so often. Only way they’d surprise me now is if Jon Snow is revealed as the lead of Sasural Simar Ka.
•We should learn from Taher Shah. To accept ourself. He tried to be serious. Became a joke. Embraced that he’s a joke. And, became a legend.
•Salman Khan becomes India’s ‘Goodwill Ambassador’ for the Olympics. Doesn’t Salman need a Goodwill Ambassador for himself?
•The most seductive thing on Earth is a bed after your alarm has gone off.
•T20 WC was way better than IPL. At least, it was a contest. In IPL - people hit 6s like you hit flies with that electric badminton racket.
•New Zealand voted the best country in the world. Congrats, New Zealand. You just got 20 Lakh new Indian immigrant applicants.
•Biopics on Dhoni, Azhar, Sachin. No biopic on Rahul Dravid. Because, that legend continues to be written.
•Nursery Rhyme videos have almost 1 billion views on YouTube! Never understood it. Then I had a baby, that refused to eat.
4 Maheep Singh
•Gram is the new 60ml
•Along with laughter day 1st May is also Labour day. For comedians.
•What’s in a name ? A Gurgaon would smell as intoxicated by any other name after 8 PM
•May be changing name to Gurugram will enhance the grammar quotient of Gurgaon
•If you are troubled by confusing/impossible to achieve client briefing, you should see girls giving instructions to gol gappe, paapdi wala bhaiya. Hats off Sirs. You ought to teach patience at management schools.
•For : Changing name to Gurugram reiterates our belief that our civilization is as old and as grand as Mahabharata.
Against: Dude. Have you read Mahabharata? Who wants to be like them?
•10 things you didn’t know, 20 things you didn’t know karte karte ab mujhe kul mila kar takreeban Ek lakh crore cheezen nahi pata. (by now I know that I do not know hundred thousand things)
5 Neeti Palta
•Delhi heat is making me pant so hard I’m starting to look like an item girl.
•Take a loser to bed. Winners always like to come first.
•North Indian men truly believe in gender equality. Because the only thing they feel up as much as women is themselves.
•Went for a manicure. Didn’t work. I still like men.
•Men are great at meditation. After all the state of “thoughtlessness” comes naturally to them.
•Why do they call it “good news” when your mother’s first reaction to news of you is to throw up?
•You can tell a woman’s age by looking at her hands. No wonder men can’t tell a woman’s age.
•If I spent as much time digging around as I do in my purse, I could’ve discovered an ancient civilization by now.
•I love the power of being a woman driver…watching everyone jumping out of my way.
•SRK’s Fan is so true! He’s his biggest fan. And he’s his biggest enemy.
6 Atul Khatri
•In London - its OK to drink water from the wash basin of the bathroom. However its such a difficult task because its also the same wash basin where you fill your ‘Lota’...
•Today in London paid 50p (Rs. 50) just to use the urinal. Today I realised the value of our Sulabh Sauchalyas back home ! Miss them so much !
•Gurgaon Call Centre :Good morning Sir. I am Jacky. How can I help you ?
Gurugram Call Centre :Jai Shree Krishna Sir. I am Jaikishen. How can I help you ?
•Thanks to Whatsapp’s new kickass end to end encryption policy - now no one can read those stupid ‘Good Morning’ messages except you !
•That awkward moment when Indians are sending messages to abandon ‘Made in China’ goods thru their smartphones - all of which are made in China.
7 Vasu Primlani
• I’m Sindhi. My father gets the dead, dying, and unripe of every vegetable and fruit because its cheaper.
•On how interconnected we are: my father had constipation for four days, and it scared the shit out of US.
• My father’s such a pain in the ass, after 4 days of constipation, he was a pain in his OWN ass!
• I’ll give you an example of a catch-22: India’s population density is so high, people are literally on top of each other.
•In the US, you honk when some jackass is on a collision course with you, and if you don’t honk, it will cause an accident. In India, you honk when YOU’RE the jackass, and you’re on a collision course with someone, and you will cause an accident if you don’t honk.
• Delhi men are chivalrous, especially around older people, young children, and big boobs.
•A guy went down on one knee to ask for my hand in marriage to my mother. My mother said, why beta? Get yourself a nice girl.
8 Vikramjit Singh
•Odd-even has changed Delhi.Earlier, people were judged by the cars they owned.Now they’re judged by their number-plates.
•Aren’t there so many ‘travellers’ on facebook?Let’s do a social experiment: ban pictures on facebook.
Suddenly, nobody will travel.
•If you ever thought why Gurgaon auto-wallahs are the way they are, this story tells you all.
•I was in an auto and decided to get a ‘common man view’ of politics.So I asked him: “Aapke gaon ka sabse bada neta kaun hai?”He paused for a minute and answered:“Sir, neta toh hum khud hi hain”
•I’m wondering if they’re teaching Open letter writing in school these days.Like, “Keep the subject as ‘Meaningless outrage’, and make sure you end it with ‘Yours self-important-ly’.
9 Rajneesh Kapoor
•”Sir, unless he is a maths wizard who can prove that 4 is an odd number, it’s not going to help.” Delhi cop on being asked DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS?
•Yaar, you don’t want to bother with car number plates, fine. Just use left lung on odd dates and the right one on even dates. Okay?
•Some marriages don’t work out because Women are from Venus while Men are Manglik.
•Brilliant. A friend keeps playing Call of Duty AND Farmville. Total Jai Jawan Jai Kisan happening in his life.