You know what’s worse than summer? People complaining about it. Every time someone opens their mouth with the words, “Man it’s so hot”, I want to toss them into a room full of burning charcoal.
I get it. It’s hot. And you reminding me about the heat is only making it hotter. There is another bunch of people that I hate — the ones who have masterful solutions like, “Why can’t we air-condition the entire city?” or “Put ice in your shoes” or my personal favourite: “Let’s go to Goa!”
No, no, and no. And what the hell is the matter with your brain? Did it melt?
The trouble with Mumbai’s heat is that it doesn’t just attack your body, it attacks your mind too. It weakens you and shatters your confidence even before you start your day. You take a shower, and before you’re done drying off, you’re already dripping.
Everything is different in summer. People. Cops. Dad. That old, grumpy society uncle. Actually, he is an *insert expletive here* every day, but in summer, he’s worse.
Even road rage is worse in summer. Because every biker and auto driver in the city decides that they’d rather die in an accident than due to heat. This makes drivers mad. To get into a road fight in summer, means you’ve done something really wrong to someone, because they have gotten out of their car to come beat you.
And anyone who says keep your AC on 24 degrees for the sake of the environment has never spent a May in Mumbai. My argument is this: if the environment is torturing me, why can’t I take a little revenge? *sets AC to 20 and turns off energy saver*. Does that mode even work?
Sleeping in the AC doesn’t help too much either. For some reason, parents think that once cold air enters a room, it doesn’t leave. So, somewhere in the middle of a dream, where you’re skiing in the Alps, your mother has walked into your room and shut off your AC. Of course, if you have an AC and your own room and aren’t old enough to lock your room, you deserve it.
Then there are those who try to protect themselves from the heat by holding a newspaper on their heads. You do realise that paper turns pulpy when it gets wet. Using a wet handkerchief on your head is a stupid idea as well. Because, pneumonia. And also, you’re sweating on your own sweat. Yuck.
Also, black isn’t the right colour for a summer umbrella. Just saying.
And since I must also look on the bright side to make this a balanced article, I have searched high and low and come up with something. While the Mumbai heat is awful, it also does have some advantages. Very few. Two, to be precise.
The only thing exciting about a summer in Mumbai is Haafus (the Alphonso mango). And the fact that Delhi is hotter. In fact, it’s the only time you’ll see a Mumbaikar brag to a Delhite about the weather.
You’re already dreading it, aren’t you? It’s coming for sure. Much like the next season of Game of Thrones. For 10 unbearably long weeks.
Shah is a half-Gujarati, half-Parsi (and often angry about it) stand-up comedian and writer. He tweets as @craziebawa