Happy Independence Day, India! If you are not tired of that Mahendra Kapoor song from Upkar blaring from the music system your RWA set up in the park for the day, here's a thought. A noble one, we assure you. We've made a list of 10 things India needs freedom from with immediate effect. Blame these on our ignorance or arrogance, the fact is that it's time we rid ourselves of these annoying realities we've resigned ourselves to.
So, people live and let live by avoiding these:
Dear Indian men, you need to learn some bladder control. It is an ugly sight, period. We want freedom from that stench too. Women do it all the time, and so do some sophisticated men.
2. 'Paanting' the wall red
No, we cannot appreciate the beauty in red you paint on every wall with betel juice. It is no piece of art, but an abhorring sight. These artists really need to pay heed to the ads they show before the movies about the dangers of chewing tobacco and other such products.
3. Stop that gediyan
Kudi kehndi baby pehle Jaguar lelo... phir aiwein petrol barbaad karo? No thanks. Petrol is at Rs 66 per litre, but our road Romeos will never have enough of these joyrides. For the uninitiated, gediyan is nothing but the aimless gallivanting of the young and the rich in their cars with no purpose other than to impress girls and burn their dads' money. That unbearable 'dhakad dhakad' bass of that Honey Singh song on your car stereo doesn't help either.
4. Please adjust
In a space that is not even enough for one of your butt cheeks, that lady will try and fit her whole self. The result? One of her butt cheeks is resting ever so lovingly on your leg. Soon your leg will go numb because of all the extra love and you will decide to sacrifice even your own little space. How about a no for an answer? Ma'am, there is literally no space here!
5. Ogling nation
Window into an ogler's mind: "Teri skirt bhi sexy, teri pants bhi sexy, tera suit bhi sexy, tera burqa bhi sexy". They don't care how you look, how old you are, what you are wearing, what you are doing: oglers gonna ogle. We wonder what they try to achieve through this? Seriously, we are incredibly curious here.
6. Fart's in the air
A jam-packed train. Not an inch's space to move. With so many people, even the air-conditioning has given up. Suddenly, something hits your nostrils and behold it is the ghost of last night's mooli parantha still haunting somebody's intestines. We know it is you, we all do and soon, we will be coming for you... revenge will be ours.
7. Didn't you hear me?
HAAN PACHAURI JI, BITIYA KA BCOM MEIN ADMISSION KARANA HAI! At this decibel, we are sure even the university officials would have heard you. No matter where such people are -- in the office, on public transport, in a restaurant and even in their own homes -- they HAVE TO SHOUT OVER THE PHONE. So next time, if you ever encounter any such banshee, you should copy them and run for your life.
8. Nose picking isn't fine art
There are different ways they do it in public. One of the gentler ones is when they seem to be scratching their noses but instead are pulling one out with the thumb. The gross one is when they shove a whole finger up in that cave and swirl it side to side as if trying to find some gold. And the downright disgusting one is when they squeeze their runny noses and flick the snot away like it is nobody's business.
THAT. Don't. Do. That.
9. Catch that itch
Here we are, asking a shopkeeper to pack some groceries and there he is with his own 'package' in one hand and our veggies in the other. He makes eye contact and asks with a smile 'aur madam ji?'. Now you have to maintain eye contact because if you look downstairs, 'things gonna get weird real bad'. So men, please don't scratch your nether regions in public, it's not a sight to behold for any of us.
10. The Unbearable loudness of chewing
These guys eat half of their food and spew the other half out. They kill the experience of fellow diners by providing them with background music of veggies being munched, made soft with the juices of the mouth and being swallowed... a live telecast of the whole process. People, we don't want a demonstration of the digestive process so please, shut that piehole!