Ice Age: Collision Course
Director: Mike Thurmeier
Cast: Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Queen Latifah, Simon Pegg, Jennifer Lopez, Adam DeVine
Talking about Ice Age: Collision Course is not as easy as it should ideally be. On one hand, it would be best for everyone if I, without wasting any time, were to tell you – and you, equally efficient, were to agree - that it is an unbearably bad movie. It would solve all our problems and cure all our pain if I were to simply dismiss it as a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad experience that I would never, ever, under any circumstance or through any vengeful temptation wish on my worst enemy.
But then, what be the difference between me and Ice Age: Collision Course...
Before we get into the finer aspects of this spectacularly awful movie, let us ponder this, together, if you will: Could there be a more pointless film franchise than Ice Age? Unlike all the Saws and Paranormal Activities and the Final Destinations – which are all, thankfully, over – Ice Age continues with the inevitability of that long overdue apocalypse that refuses to show up and wipe these creatures out once and for all.
In this one - the record-breaking fifth time we must endure Sid, Manny and Diego as they burp, fart, sneeze and snore through one slapstick gag after another – a meteor is headed towards their homes, promising to obliterate all that they know and love.
But no such luck. Like Scrat and his Sisyphean quest for that elusive acorn, the Ice Age series teases us with the tantalising possibility of an apocalyptic event ridding us of it, only to pull a fast one, and return, smirkier, stupider and more cynical.
It’s been five films, and once again, the lovelorn Scrat, and his Wile E Coyote-style hijinks remain the only parts of this movie that can honestly qualify as watchable - him and a weasel Neil deGrasse Tyson. But now, instead of appreciating it for the mildly funny running gag that it is, I can only feel sorry for them for having to rely on it so pathetically.
‘But it’s only a children’s movie, dude! Does it really need to be all that great if it gives a few kids some laughs?’ I hear you protest. Firstly, it doesn’t. It’s not even slightly funny – for kids, adults, dogs, anyone. Secondly, we should all remind ourselves that we live in a post Pixar world, a world in which animated films can get nominated for Best Picture Oscars - for all that is worth - and answer all of life’s most troubling philosophical problems. Blue Sky Studios has lost all rights to casually brush off mediocrity – or in this case, pure awfulness – because it is a ‘kids’ movie’.
Ice Age: Collision Course can potentially have a similar effect on kids as raising them exclusively on 10 hours of TV, 2 litres of soda, one block of cheese and unlimited, unrestricted Internet per day might. Making them watch it is abuse.
It’s noisy, crass, plotless, ugly, and a complete waste of all the talent involved. It seems like ages ago that this franchise used to be marginally enjoyable. But look at what we’ve fuelled: Hashtag jokes and racist caricatures, fart noises and Wanda Sykes’ screeching.
There is more than enough beautiful animation available in the world for you to explore and discover. While films like this might make it difficult to believe, animation is in a wonderful place right now. Look elsewhere; you’ll be well taken care of. You never need to think of Ice Age: Collision Course ever again after this.