Cast: Fardeen Khan, Esha Deol, Isha Koppikar
Direction: Ram Gopal Varma
Creak, here comes another Ram Gopal Varma week. And after emerging from his bhoot-a-hoot, you feel quite haunted. You imagine that a ghost was sitting next to you in Darling. After the mind-curdling show this is how our conversation, at the parking lot, went.. complete with tywhoo-tywhoo owl effects:
Me: I just adored Ramu Uncle’s dabba ghost movie. It was so funny, especially when Esha Deol doesn’t allow Fardeen Khan to make love to his wife. She sits over them, pulls his ears, biwi Isha says huskily, “Do you know which part of your body I like most?” Fardeen says, “Nooooo, tell me.” After a pause Isha says, “Your eyes, of course.. what did you think?” Really Ramu kaka is going the David Dhawan way. Do you approve Bhootnathji?
Ghost: (pulls my ears, nose) Shut up.
Me: Boss, one thing was very mysterious. How could dead Esha Deol have so many magic powers? She could slap Fardeen, tickled the innards of his thighs, carry on long-winded conversations.. but remained invisible. But I can see you dude. See Isha.. no no Esha didn’t want us to see her only in a white linen kaftan, especially during this chic Fashion Week. And Isha, Esha, Ayesha, Asha, Usha, whoever, wore only one type of sari as if she was allergic to georgettes. Very symbolic, no? Fardeen only wore stripes, double chins and a twitch-twitch facial expression. Lovely. You liked?
Ghost: (slaps me across the face) No.
Me: Why you so mean Bhootie? I went mad when Fardeen sang Kahin deep jale kahin dil like Waheeda Rehman did.. then the camera went right up his shorts (the first time in Indian cinema history) and then he trembled like an autumn leaf. Remember the police officer arrives to say, “Aha oh ho ahaa ho” accompanied by a Bandit Queen Biswas look-alike. She was so much more scary than you my Dost the Ghost. You liked?
Ghost: (eyes emanate smoke) If you don’t stop, I’ll run an SUV or a tractor over you.
Me: Ha, ha, not possible my Bhootoo. I adored Fardeen’s friend, the man who usually plays gangsters, Zakir Husain.. no, no, not the tabla whiz.. someone else who went sing song, ding dong and landed in a hospital bed with a leg fracture. Why didn’t Esha just murder him so he wouldn’t do that sing song thing again? (Pause) Listen, I know this revengeful Lady Ghostalina had shades of Fatal Attraction, What Lies Beneath and Ram Gopal Varma ki Raat.. but why fall in love with a married man? I think it was just so she could hug and hug him.. and let him dance with Nasha Kothari.
Ghost: (pointing a dagger) If you mention Nasha ever again, I’ll kill you.
Me: Oops, sorry. Bhootoo Tootoo, you didn’t like the blue-white cinematography. Those utterly boring Versova locations? And the background music sounding like a plumbing problem? Ghosty, why are you being so harsh on Ram Gopal Varma ki Darling?
Ghost: (about to vanish) Because it was no better than his Aag. If he’s your friend tell him not to do a hat-trick.. or else..
Me: Or else?
Ghost: Aur picture banana mana hai.