Cast: Urmila Matondkar, Zayed Khan, Battered Cell Phone
Direction: Vikram Bhatt
Hell, cell’s bells. Broken, bruised, battered, a handset turns out to be quite a hutch ado about something. A lady in calf-leather boots, freshly kidnapped, yells, “How dare you! I’m a British citizen.” Unimpressed, the bozos bleat bah-bah. Aha, then, she pokes away at a few wires, a plastic spindle and a nimboo-green plate. Aloha, it’s never too late. See, the mobile’s alive, kicking and screaming again.
Help! Vikram Bhatt’s Speed bhi Kabhi Cellular Thi may be swiftly edited and decently shot but sorry, it’s an exercise in vacuity and senselessness. Here the London streets can become Ballard Pier and coconut trees sprout in the Queen’s Palace. Alarmingly, too, the British countryside resembles the cheapest-to-hire location in Goregaon’s Film City. Tut tut.
Indeed, serious matters are afoot. The Indian Prime Minister, a Gayatridevi Sinha is to be assassinated in London (never mind if the shoot’s in good ole Powai). Since she’s played by Suhasini Mulay, you’re not worried. She always survives. She keeps smiling like Mona Lisa gone wrong and addresses a public meeting attended only by 10 or maybe nine junior artistes. Best of all, she’s accompanied by the riotous Raj Zutshi, Indian cinema’s most underrated comedian yet. He just has to show up and there you go tee hee.
<b1>Mirthfully, Zutshi meets bad guys in a London-cum-Powai toilet, and keeps cleaning his hands with a napkin as if were Lady Macbeth. He isn’t. Actually, everyone’s quite cuckoo. Take the Baida Fry Bawarchi (Sanjay Suri) who’s actually an MI16 spy (wazzat?). He behaves like Kiefer Sutherland in the TV series 36 Hours, which means he’s as perplexing as a crossword without clues. His wife (Urmila Matondkar) is the kidnapped one. And like Kim Basinger, she’s networking seriously.“Gasp, puff, huff, pant, eeeeeh, grunt, ouch…aiyyya,” is the only line of dialogue assigned to her. Heavens!
Meanwhile, Zayed does a Run Khan Run all over Britain. Or Powai. And he unwraps an ugly teddy bear to gift to his angry girlfriend Tanushree Dutta. Understandably, she gets angrier. She also rolls rosogollas in her mouth inspired perhaps by Marlon Brando’s marbles-in-the-mouth in The Godfather. And so what else? Well, Amrita Rao.. no no.. Amrita Arora is killed after one antara of a supposedly sexy song. Not surprisingly, you don’t miss her.
More: Aftab Shivdasani in a Flapping Trenchcoat delivers a sermon about the Indo-Pakistan conflict, to justify that he’s baaad guy (Gulshan Grover is far superior which is not saying much). And Sophie Chaudhry, Chowdhury.. Chaudhari.. you never find out.. is around in black latex, making a thorough Bindaloo of the Bindu vamp act. Aashish Chaudhary, in a rare appearance (deservedly so), as an evil cop looks as menacing as a new-born kitten. Meoooww.
Yeah. There’s no catchy music, entertainment or suspense out here. The only Speed in this movie is its length of 12 reels.. over before you never want to see another cell phone or Affy Shivdasani movie in your life ever again. God, are you listening?