Cast: Anil Kapoor, Akshay Kumar, Kareena Kapoor, Saif Ali Khan Cliff
Direction: Vijay Krishna Acharya
Dear readers, this shouldn't happen to you. But imagine! After the first-day-first-show screening of Tashan -- directed by first-time-first-slapdash director Vijay Krishna Acharya and umpteenth-time-producer Aditya Chopra - something serious happened to me.
Yours truly rushed to the closest clinic to seek medical attention for depression, brain compression and entertainment regression. The clinic's elderly doctor waved his stethoscope around and immediately suspected that it was a case of Tashanitis.
It was in the air. As he smacked an eau de cologned tissue on my flaming head, the fever abated a teenie bit, enabling our conversation, which went somewhat like this:
Me: Hurry doctor, do something about the wild visuals, the ear-harpooning sounds and the script which was pure Greek and Latin. Really dear doc, I can't understand why Anil Kapoor wore only one shiny, leopard skin lapel suit. Why was he a nasty don called Bhaiyyaji Ram Lakhan Singh? Very over-the-top he was. And pray, why did he want to learn to speak English? Why? Why?
Doc: Hush mister, don't ask such silly questions. By the way, even I want to learn some extra English and say things like, "Lots happy", "I you da shooting footing goli bajaooing" and "Goods peoples must meet mads peoples."
<b1>Me: Exactly, exactly. That is what Mr Kapoor, in faux leopard skin, was muttering. Anyway doc, please help me forget Saif Ali Khan who tried to pass off as reggae legend Jimmy Cliff, a call centre executive. Often, he talked straight into the camera.. because no one else but the camera listened to him.
Doc: At least I'm listening to you.
Me: Saif sir also kept saying, "Cool, cool, cool" even in 45 deg C. heat. He looked totally lost as if he'd been asked to play tennis on a cricket field. Plus, he kept falling in love, then in hate, then in love.. Love Hate Love.. is he setting up an IHL team or what?
Doc: Shhh, you're delirious. Now let me examine, your toes.
Me: They're hurting actually, in sympathy for Akshay Kumar who jumped from one great height to another. While combating the usual baddies, he also kickboxed a group of Chinese martial arts experts. Cracky Chan types.
Me: Akshayji also went through this enormous flashback about how he was a small townie once and had flipped for a girl called Gudiya. I quite liked Akshay though, the best of the lot, funny.. and that too intentionally.
Wow, you're being very fair to Akshay.. Now let me check your pulse rate
It's racing, because Kareena Kapoor did look very, very hot, particularly in a lemon green swimming costume. Aaah, lovely.
Doc: You're a dirty old man.
Me: That apart, I couldn't understand why Kareena was sometimes called Pooja and sometimes Gudiya. Whatever. Like Sharon Stone in The Specialist and Sridevi in Roop ki Rani Choron ka Raja, she wanted to wreak vendetta for her dad's murder.
Me: Kareena's target was the English-challenged Leopard Skin Bhaiyyaji. So, she kept double-triple-crossing every man in sight. On seeing Akshay Kumar bare-chested, she even gushed, "What a hunk." Wait till she sees Salman Khan.
Doc: Keep your eyes open.. stop blabbering please.. I don't want you passing out here.
Me: Vishal-Shekhar's music was nothing to sing about, the camerawork was okay, the editor seemed to be on a vacation, the dialogue reeked of vulgar, sexist jokes. Doc, the censors shouldn't allow words like "bitch, bitch, bitch", "bastard woman" and "chhinaal", should they?
<b3>Also chikitsakji, this Tashanitis lasted so long that I needed to brush my teeth again. And doc, the climax was so haphazard that it had a speedboat turning up on dry, Goregaon land.
Doc: Are you telling me that I shouldn't see Tashan?
Me: Ohhhh, never, never, never, never, never, doc, please don't ever do that.. promise me that you won't.. please, please. But tell me what I should do now to get back to normal?
Doc: Rest for a week in bed.. drink fruit juices.. and maybe Aditya Chopra will pay you a get-well-soon visit.
Doc: Mister.. excuse me.. mister.. wake up.. why have you fainted? (yelling out to nurse and compounder) Quick, call the ambulance!