Ugly Aur Pagli
Cast: Ranvir Shorey’s Cheek, Mallika Sherawat’s Five Fingers
Direction: Sachin Khot
Claptrap slap. Ouch, this is the world’s first movie devoted to those five fingers issued hard, firm and strong against a cheek. The recipient is Ranvir Shorey who must be so injured-‘n’-upset that you want to sing him a lori. Truly, only a lullaby could now put him to sleep. Weep.
Actually the very concept of Ugly aur Pagli, directed by Sachin Khot, is a bit strange, coming as it does from the 2001 Korean movie My Sassy Girl, adapted from a young man’s true-life experiences posted on the Internet.
The snag is that the screenplay – thinner than a toothpick – as rewritten to Mumbai conditions is not only patently absurd but as mind-scrambling as the aforementioned Mr Shorey. He wears a red petticoat atop a bicycle without a seat, he meets Mallika Sherawat on the same sun-baked terrace continuously and he looks longingly at one Payal Rohatgi (even she looks back longingly).
For performing such feats, he gets a slap. Such pap. Here are nine more slaps that can be remembered by brain-slapped me:
* One, just for lifting a sozzled Mallika Sherawat up in his arms like some potato sack, Shorey is slapped.
* Two, for spending money at a shady joint (Hotel Godin, it seems) and watching Mallikaji snore noisily (not good for her marriage market), and then sleeping on the floor while she’s sprawled on the bed, Shorey is slapped. Sound effects and all.
* Three, for taking her cell phone instead of his and not even stealing her SIM card or making free international calls, Shorey is slapped.
* Four, for daring her to wear her undergarments which she does (like Superman wears his briefs over his blue suit), Shorey is slapped. Incidentally, her floral lingerie seems to have been bought from a florist’s.
* Five, for leaving his family and his engineering studies (four years failed, not surprising) and rushing off to Goa with Sherawatji, he’s slapped even harder, though she invited him.
* Six and seven, Shorey is slapped and slapped for no reason.
* Eight, for acting with far more expertise than Mallikaji, and for hanging out in those disco dances with her, for being photographed without a permanent pout, and for well, just being more tolerable, Shorey gets another slap.
* Nine, he’s slapped. Period.
And hello, since the movie is about to end and everyone wants to rush home, Mallika Sherawat finally kisses Ranvir Shorey on the lips. And he still looks as if he’s being slapped.
Bottomwhine: Ouch, this movie hurts. It’s an ouchmare.