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The mantra that couples in Long-Distance-Relationships
(LDR), especially those in the Merchant Navy,
swear by is that 'distance makes the heart grow
fonder' but what happens once the distance is
bridged? Do the love birds turn into vicious vultures?
Does romance go flying out the window when couples
face harsh realities like housework, PTA meetings
and 'Not now honey, i have a headache'?
The Merchant Navy is one profession that guarantees
couples at least a couple of months of tear-soaked
pillows, chronic-mail-checking-disorder and huge
phone bills. But delve a little deeper in these
relationships and one uncovers a gamut of emotions
which bring forth an entirely different side of
the situation. From arguments over "wrong
decisions" and who drives the car to fighting
over tardy correspondence or how to raise the
kids, there are several issues that crop up. The
result? "Reunions can be stressful,"
said Chairperson of Applied Research International,
Mrs. Amarjit Rewari. "When couples get together
after a long time of being away from each other,
there tends to be a power struggle between them,"
she said.
Sometimes the issues are serious and at other
times they can be trivial idiosynchracies which
need just a little adjustment. Recalls an incident,
Mrs. Rewari talks about an incident which light-heartedly
shows the strict discipline of seafarers and how
it creeps into day-to-day life. "I was out
for dinner with my husband, who was a captain
in the Merchant Navy, when I noticed a peculiar
thing about the couple seated next to us. Every
time the wife would take a sip of her drink and
set her glass down near the edge of the table,
her husband would move it to the centre of the
table. This continued for quite some time. I quizzicaly
looked at my husband and he replied with a smile,
'jahaazi hai, (he is a seafarer)' he is sub-consciously
preparing for the 'roll and pitch movement',"
said Chairperson of Applied Research International,
Mrs. Amarjit Rewari.
Married to a seafarer for over 40 years, Mrs.
Rewari is well aware of the issues that couples
face due to separation. "This is very common
for seamen. Their daily sea routine is so set
in their minds that it carries over on land as
well. Sometimes the wives who have to put up with
this can find it a little unsettling," she
said.
This strict routine and penchant for sticking
to it is just one of the issues that couples face
when reunited after months of staying away. Though
Mrs. Rewari will argue that these little hiccups
are trivial compared to the romance and deep love
that these couples share due to separation, they
can't be ignored. The simplest way to deal with
these issues is to adjust. But, only once they
have been acknowledged. "Wives can feel frustrated
if they are simply expected to adjust. The husbands
should at least acknowledge and sympathise with
these problems--however little they may be,"
said Anshu Khera who is married to a Captain Siddharth
Khera.
Watch Ashore, a U.K. based support group for
Merchant Navy wives has published a report on
the pressures faced by them and cite reunion blues
as a significant issue and offers advice for women
facing the blues. The handbook encourages couples
to recognize the problems citing that awareness
is half the battle won.
The husband and wife are back together physically
but are not emotioanlly adjusted to being together.
They still may feel distance and have trouble
sharing decisions or talking to each other.
Space is one thing that psychiatrists all over
the world swear by. "Give each other physical
and emotional space. The returning sailors should
not pressure thier partners into sex or the children
into talking. The family needs time to get used
to his presence, and be ready to talk," says
Sunaina Goel who has been married to a seafarer
for 17 years and has a close group of friends
who are also Merchant Navy wives.
She explains that men and women sometimes communicate
differently. For example, a wife is describing
her feelings when she says, “I don’t
want you to go.” A husband may respond with
a factual statement, “You know I have no
choice.” The husband might have shown that
he understands the wife’s feelings by saying
instead, “I know it’s hard on you, but
it’s part of my job.” This type of “feeling
response” can often avoid an argument.
Mrs. Rewari says that "the couple needs
to refocus on the marriage--share experiences,
feelings and needs and avoid forcing issues on
each other and that they must stop being "single"
married spouse and start beign married again."
They may feel a loss of freedom and independence--feel
disorganised and out of control as "deployment'
routines are disrupted, but understanding that
this is normal may be enough to sort things out.
There will be a need to renegotiate roles and
responsibiltites. Husbands often feel isolated,
unwanted, unneeded and lef out during this phase,
which can cause arguments and hurt feelings for
both partners.
Sunanda Kumar
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