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HindustanTimes Thu,31 Jul 2014

'Fiends, humans, countrymen, lend me your overburdened ears'

Vikramdeep Johal, Hindustan Times  Chandigarh, April 20, 2014
First Published: 09:57 IST(20/4/2014) | Last Updated: 13:31 IST(20/4/2014)

The politicians bark all day, yapping and snapping at each other. The stray dogs in my colony do it all night. Tossing and turning in bed, I make myself believe that the National Dog Party (NDP) is contesting the Lok Sabha polls, with its symbol being the ‘loose tongue’.

I hear their prime ministerial candidate, a ferocious bloodhound, address a homo sapien gathering: “Fiends, humans and countrymen, lend me your overburdened ears. Our great nation stands at the crossroads, which is a dangerous place where many curs get run over by vehicles.

India is proverbially going to the dogs, and it’s best for all if power is formally handed over to us. We have always been your best and most trusted friends, and it’s time to take this friendship to the parliamentary level. You are fed up with the Congress-led UPA, which has completed a decade of decadence and dacoity.

Modi sarkar is not your cup of chai because you aren’t keen on spending the rest of your lives in concentration camps or refugee tents, even if these are airconditioned. And, despite Gul Panag’s dimples, you aren’t sure that the Aam Aadmi Party deserves a second chance after the Delhi fiasco.

Rather than clicking on the pointless NOTA, vote for the NDP. Ours is the only party that can provide a ‘stable’ government, thanks to our alliance with the horses.

After much brain-churning, we have come up with a five-point action plan to transform this country:

(1) Goodbye corruption: We will deploy special watchdog squads in government offices to sniff out corrupt humans. The creatures will hide under tables and swing into action whenever black money changes hands. They can even go to the extent of tearing your pants off to get to the ‘bottom’ of things. VVIP canines, of course, will be exempted from the embarrassing strip-search.

(2) Ta-ta hunger: We’ll do it by ensuring that starving dogs and humans do not feed from the same municipality garbage dump. Separate dumps will be set up so that both species are able to relish the delicious waste in peace.

(3) Unemployment no more: When we come to power, we’ll need energetic, dynamic postgraduates to remove our fleas, clean our collars and brush our tails. This will keep the jobless youth gainfully occupied, so that they don’t have time to make ‘small mistakes’ such as rape, as Mulayam Singh ji so wisely said. The young recruits will also get accommodation in our kennels once we move into those palatial sarkari bungalows.

(4) Reservation for minorities: The NDP firmly believes in the Orwellian adage: “All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.” We will provide reservation to all Scheduled Cats and Scheduled Mice in education as well as jobs. The unscheduled ones will be given the option of joining Rakhi Sawant’s Rashtriya Aam Party or lying down on the chopping block (I bet they’ll choose the latter).

(5) Eye-catching sanitation: Like us, Indian men can’t help peeing in public. This is not only insanitary but also an eyesore for locals as well as tourists. We’ll designate electricity poles for the P-purpose and build colourful cubicles around them so that hum-tum can answer the call of nature publicly yet privately.

We plan to implement our ambitious plan in toto by 2040. That’s 26 years from now, a short time to wait for a heavenly future. So, choose the ‘loose tongue’ now. Vote for us for your own good because, unlike your motormouth politicians, our bite is worse than our bark. And don’t forget: After GOD, it’s only the DOG who can save this country.”

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