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HindustanTimes Fri,18 Apr 2014

Thoughts in my heart sometimes

Col NS Ahuja (retd), Hindustan Times   November 11, 2013
First Published: 09:27 IST(11/11/2013) | Last Updated: 09:29 IST(11/11/2013)

Sometimes, I feel having reached a stage where I should stop hiding my years and, instead, start bragging about it, greying gracefully and looking my age. I should not overstretch myself to prove that I am tough still. After all, why this façade? But the temptation of looking young overpowers me and I give up.

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Sometimes, I feel I should draw up the balance sheet of my life; review my assets and liabilities; forgive my sundry debtors and write a note of thanks to my sundry creditors.

Sometimes, I want to meet God, say sorry for often remembering Him only in need, for entering a bartering system with Him of lucrative exchange offers for material gains, for introducing a "conditions apply" clause in every contract. Once, I had told Him that if I got promoted, I would go on pilgrimage to Vaishno Devi and leave `1,100 with His representatives there. How silly of me.

Sometimes, on a more sombre note, I want to meet with my dad up there, to apologise for not giving him my time and attention when he needed these the most. I want to confess how, sometimes, I would avoid his company on flimsy grounds because he had become too old to communicate. I want to tell him I have all the time in the world now. "Please dad, come back and give me some company. I too need it now."

Sometimes, I feel like meeting my old flame, to tell her that I did wait for her all night long under that dismal half-lit lamp post before leaving her town for good. I want to know if she eventually came after I left. I want to tell her that the memories of her short visit in my life have still not faded.

Sometimes, I want to slip away to the mountains and settle down there in the peace and tranquillity of nature. Sometimes, I want to travel across the globe, see new places, make new friends, play golf on different courses, relish the world's different cuisines, enjoy rollercoaster rides in Disneyland, attend live music concerts and theatre performances, and listen to some sublime poetry in solitude.

Sometimes, I want to do this; sometimes, I want to do that. Time is running out. I am in panic. "Come on, God, please, tell me what to do. If you help me out, I will go up to Vaishno Devi, I promise. But conditions apply.

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