Yaar, maar diya ji last week feedback mails ne mujhe. So many of you wrote so much! But I mostly got sweet, nice letters from sweet, nice... and sporting girls.
Seriously yaar, it’s only girls who manage such a good laugh when their shortcomings are pointed out, and only they can admit in an instant that they indeed irritate the daylights out of their boyfriends sometimes. It’s another thing altogether that they consider even that as a favour done to the guys.
Anyway, it’s time for us to drill the ego machines, also known as boyfriends in some languages. Several hundred girls — from 15 to 50 — wrote their suggestions on the most annoying questions their guy friends ask, and how it’d be so much more meaningful to just stick to the resolution of being less irritating in 2016, than vowing to pump some more iron in the gym. Let’s look at the top peeves of the naari jaati. Hai koi jawaab?
1. Why do you talk to him when you know he’s a flirt? Guys may not know anything else but they know the traits of their breed for sure. And every guy seems clear about how all other men, except him, are compulsive flirts. Chalo woh toh theek hai, but what we don’t understand is how they decide to control their girl’s actions rather than lament the general behaviour of their biraadari. If another guy tries to flirt with their girlfriend, they mostly take out the anger on the poor girl rather than hold the guy responsible. ‘Tum itna kyun has rahi thi uske saath? When you know that he’s trying to maaro a line on you, why do you have to be all sweet to him?’
Arre yaar, flirt woh hai usko daanto. How would shouting or sulking at your girlfriend help? All that it’ll do is reinforce the stupid belief in your head that your girlfriend must have given some signal for a guy to act all flirtatious with her. No she didn’t. Girls love attention and compliments, just as, and as much as you do. It does not mean she’s trying to solicit them from every guy she meets. This year, replace needless suspicion with needful respect for your girl. It’ll work much better.
2. Why are you wearing that dress? Lo karlo baat. You want her to look good, but either look good only for your eyes, or to the extent that you can flaunt in front of your friends. If she decides to dress hot someday because she feels like it, the green horns magically appear on the sides of your skull. Abey shaqqi dimaag, it’s perfectly okay for every human being to want to look their best all the time. It doesn’t mean there’s always intent behind it to attract attention. In our culture, if anything, girls anyway are under a lot of hang-ups which make them keep questioning their own attire.
The society itself has instilled paranoia in their heads which makes them unduly conscious of what they wear. You are supposed to help them feel less conscious, not add to their burden. Of course, point out, with good intent, if you think a certain dress is not looking too flattering on your girlfriend. But don’t do it just because it is making you feel insecure. Life’s so much more blissful if you try and be the wind beneath your partner’s wings, rather than trying to clip them so they just cling to you. Sach mein.
3. Why are you overreacting? Hmmm. Because God made us this way? Because by nature we are more emotional and that translates in tears? Why is that such a big deal? When guys have no real argument in...err...an argument, it’s easiest to hide behind this allegation of overreaction. Achha chalo maan liya that girls sometimes are drama queens. Actually most of the time. But that still doesn’t mean you turn into an annoying monster at the very sight of emotions. And by God, don’t even dare to mention PMS. World War ho jayegi. When we fight with you, we fight with you, not your hormones? So leave ours alone, please.
4. Can’t you see I’m listening? Well, you may have your face idiotically bent towards us but NO, you are not listening to us and even you know it. Especially when the sports channel is on TV anywhere in the line of sight, even the most Godforsaken game takes precedence over us. C’mon, admit to it. So why annoy us further by pretending or repeating that you are all ears when we have profound things to discuss, like an ongoing sale. Why, why, why? And it’s sheer torture to see you lie that we are looking nice in a dress when your eyes, your mind, your brain is focussed on the gadget in your hands. When the choice is between a girl or a gadget, do you even have to think? I’m hurt now. Be prepared for the tears.
5. Why are you so finicky? We are finicky, darling, because you are messy. And mannerless. And crude. And lazy. And in denial about being all this. When God made water, he wanted guys also to bathe in it, preferably everyday, but the equitability of this blessing has escaped a lot of you. If you won’t clean up for two weeks but spray an entire month’s supply of deodorant on your unwashed body, we’ll point it out and that’s not being finicky.
If you cut your nails, shave the carotene off your face and wear jeans that have seen the sight of soap and water at least once in their lifetime, it’ll only help you, not us. Also, it’s not finicky to point out that you are supposed to occasionally sit on the furniture, you are not supposed to become furniture by parking your lazy behind on the seat and ordering everyone around. This year, stop blaming us for nit-picking, and start picking the mess around you. Pretty please?
(Sonal Kalra has done her deed by criticising both the genders equally. She can now go to the Himalayas for a fresh dose of calmness. Mail her at email@example.com or facebook.com/sonal.kalra. Follow on Twitter @sonalkalra. On popular demand, this is a re-run of a previously-published column.)
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